Monday, February 23, 2009

100% ranting - never mind

I really hate my life right now - my personal life, work. ugh. Everything seems wrong, Everything is wrong. Even this - this ranting - is wrong.

Damn it. Ugh. I am at the office right now and I just want to scream. Or cry. Or do something to just get rid of this annoying mood I am in. And I choose to write. Before I scream. Before I cry.

I am trying to concentrate in this writing. I dont care that I have tons of writing (or rewriting, better put) to do. I hate this. I hate. I hate. I hate.

Posted by tengcorrea at 2/23/2009 10:40:00 PM

0 comments Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Restlessness

Again - this restlessness. I am worried over something that I do not know about yet. =( '

Damn it. Are they ok again? So I go back to invisibility.

Posted by tengcorrea at 2/18/2009 01:31:00 PM

0 comments Sunday, February 15, 2009

This is worse

I realized last night that I am way more better at handling my own pains than bearing the pain of someone I love.

My friend is wrong --- the "best friend plan" is not going to work. I just do not think I can be there for him when he is that deeply hurt because of someone else.

Since when did gratitude become this unwanted? I do not want your "thank you". I do not want your appreciation for me being there. I do not know what I want from you.

I do not want you anymore. But you are still here. And until you are here, I will naturally always -- always be there for you. Even if I hate that sad look, even I want to shut my ears from your stories, even if I hate it when you say my name.

Posted by tengcorrea at 2/15/2009 04:24:00 PM

0 comments Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A Valentine entry three years ago

A Valentine entry three years ago --

I had the best valentine's day ever..

you might immediately think that it is because i spent it with a boyfriend or what.. but not really. it was just that i feel that everything (the happy and the sad) that happened yesterday simply fit together.

i feel so loved by many people -

the people who greeted me a 'happy hearts' day' through text - krixie, jam, khia, bers, luthgard, kb;

the korean kids in the dorm who gave me chocolates (i think it was not their tradition but they did it anyway);

the stranger in the mall who was my company while i was waiting for someone (my instant date);

my mother who sent me this very sweet message - "Hapi Valentine's Day!!! Wo ai ni! Take care. 4 me u r d most perfect and beautiful girl in d whole world." it might sound cheesy but coming from someone who have seen and felt the worst of me, the monster in me, and yet accepted me (the unconditional love of a mother, precisely) - such words are just the sweetest they almost made me cry;

tal with whom i share my happy and not-so-happy thoughts, to whom i can confess my 'unreasonable' joys and pains, without fear of being judged; her negative plus my negative equals a positive. One sees the other cry without really understanding why. because sometimes reasons need not be known, right? One can understand without really knowing why;

he - whose presence, little acts and funny messages make me smile, he who i wait to see everyday, he who i like to remain a joke (sounds bad, huh?)so that it would not hurt; (but yes, it sort of did cause me pain already)

vee-jay, my baba - for the pain and the happiness; for the 'surprise' which i and the circumstances again spoiled but that which is still very much appreciated.

ahh.. happiness. sometimes the belief, the conviction that one is loved.

So why am I posting this? Because inspired by a quote from Murakami -

"You know what I think?" she says. "That people's memories are maybe the fuel they burn to stay alive. Whether those memories have any actual importance or not, it doesn't matter as far as the maintenance of life is concerned.”

-- I think the 2006 happy blog entry is a fuel. It is what I’d like to call an anesthetic fuel. So that no matter what happens this “i-hate-it-because-it-is-so-commercialized-yet-it-affects-me-anyway” event, I will have fuel to burn. To keep me warm. To keep me believing. To keep me sane on that impending another yet extra cursed Saturday night.