Tuesday, July 19, 2005
hmm.. i love blogger's new posting-pic-friendly feature.. yey.. now i dont have to worry about pasting the html tag and the url and hoping that the pic comes out...i just hope this feature is available even if im not using xp.
watch out for more pics, hehe..some fete pics as well as the rites of passage gig pics as well as baba pics.. haha, and all that crap.. kidding.
Posted by tengcorrea at 7/19/2005 09:26:00 AM
these pics were taken quite a long time ago already. and i had no entry to go with these but still, i decided to post these.. wala lang, i just miss them.. (ayy..)
Posted by tengcorrea at 7/19/2005 09:10:00 AM
it is not yet over.. after all the tears i've cried (yeah!), it is not the end of it all. but dont get me wrong that i regret those tears and pain ha.. (haha.. my thoughts are so disjointed, i am sorry) --those things made me .. oh well, no matter how cliche'ish this may sound -- stronger and somewhat better.. :)
wait, let me just narrate to you what happened even if im not sure how he is gonna react to this if i make this too detailed... haha.. anyway, he doesnt know about this so.. ok lang, i guess..
on july 12, i tried to keep myself busy so that i would not think of our problem.. (yes, my escapist tendencies). at the dorm, i was reading in advance my eco book. but it wasnt working because no matter how much i try to suppress all the hurt and confusion i was feeling, i just couldnt. so i decided to go to the room next to ours. i told my dormmate friend belle that i would just read there because i wanted the noise of the radio. but of course, i was lying. .because the truth was -- i just needed the feeling the existence of other person -- even if that person doesnt know how i was feeling or the turmoil i was having inside.
but i couldnt keep it all. because after a few minutes of faking it, i blurted out to her what was wrong. and then it all came out - the tears, the story of what happened the night before and even the beautiful stories i had to share (which by the way, made me smile --bittersweet-- from time to time, in between sobs..) and my friend listened, said some words of advice. .but the most important thing was that she was there so i felt less alone..
the major question was: what am i to do? and the answer then was: nothing.. (i was the one who decided and i had to stick to what i said.) i can't do anything else but wait.. and expect nothing but the worst -- that he is just gonna accept my decision and we live our separate ways. i didnt receive any text from him the whole day except his reply that he could not make it to the PInoy/Blonde premiere that night when i texted him that he still had the slot for one pass.
and so we move on to that Pinoy/Blonde premiere night..
even if i was so not in the mood to go out and pretend everything's perfectly fine-- i had to go to the premiere because i've already set an appointment with two of my high school friends sherwin and pupung. both seemed excited to go and so i just couldnt cancel it. so at around 530, i met up with sherwin in gateway mall.
after less than a minute since i arrived, sherwin said he'd just buy something. so he stood up and i saw him standing near the BTIC kiosk (?) . after quite some time, he handed me a coffee yogurt ice cream.. (the act was weird, by the way) although he said immediately that it is from him (that someone i had been referring to in the past few entries) . of course, that made things better a bit because i thought what he did was sweet. he knows that i'm addicted to ice cream these days and i love coffee flavor because when we were out together once, that was what i got. so, honestly, i thought that was his way of saying that he was not giving up and that he wanted us to talk and try to fix things up.
BUT.. i felt sad when sherwin handed me my wrist watch which he borrowed, which for me, was his way of saying that he is not gonna see me again - well, at least, in the next days, because if he intends to, he should have given that to me personally. i had to hold back my sadness.. and yeah, some tears.. because you know, im in a public place..
we headed off to megamall as soon as pupung arrived. pupung was so 'cutely' clueless because he kept on asking me where baba is (he even said the word with the wrong stress which made it sound like the chin). sherwin and i just shared this 'yeah-we-know-one-thing-which-the-poor-guy-with-us-doesnt' look. then, we would jokingly said that he is in my heart or in my pocket..haha.. jerks.
on the way there, i was surprised when he texted sherwin that he could go to the premiere. something inside of me lit up -- haha, (weird..) because the thought of possibly seeing him seemed enough to make me happy. haha, that's crap, i know, and real keso. (haha, maybe, i am being too honest here)
and so i saw him. and i really cant discern what is in him that is so different. because when i saw him, he is able to make it appear that nothing is wrong.. well, it is not like he is escaping or not wanting to face the real situation but it is more of how lightly he handles it. we understood and both accepted that it was over but he didnt seem that worried. hmm.. just realizing this now, most likely, it is because we know that even if then it no longer was official, so to speak, NOTHING HAD REALLY CHANGED of how we feel for each other.. and as long as that is the case --we need not worry that much because things would eventually fall into place. :)
i dont wanna go into full detail of what happened; of how we fixed the 'problem'.but it wasnt something really dramatic. that's weird...
i just wish we do keep our words to try to change. haha, those two things.
Posted by tengcorrea at 7/18/2005 09:11:00 PM
shit.. and the most painful thing is doing something that you know deep inside you dont want to do and is going to hurt you... but you just have to.
i didn't grow tired. i didn't stop loving. it is just that the feeling of doubt that i have been pushing away from my mind from the beginning is starting to surface - in my head and worse, in my heart.
last night, i thought i was numb. for a few minutes before going to sleep, i just stared on the ceiling thinking of nothing.. not feeling sad or guilty of my impulsive decision. but this morning, when i woke up, everything that i was trying to supress and hide last night poured out. and i began doing what i love most - crying.
life would definitely be different. i dont know if it going to be better or worse; happier or sadder. i am free and at the same time, alone. i would have to learn how to love myself again more than anybody else. again, it is going to be me..me.. me...
there would be changes. but i would be a hypocrite if i tell you now that the love, the bond, the feelings i have for that someone have changed this soon. i still love him and this is what im so damned scared of. because no matter how much i try to stop myself from doing what others say never to do after a tragic story - i could not help but expect.. and wish that the time would come that the book would be reopened and that a new chapter will be written - one that's never going to end.
Posted by tengcorrea at 7/12/2005 10:27:00 AM
hmm.. aside from the usual fright i get everytime we have a presentation, i am having problems grasping the exact point of our video. and i wonder how i would be able to defend our project (because we would be getting comments and interrogation from our classmates) if i myself, do not get it that well. (hmm.. i wish im techie-wise enough so i could link you from here to the video so you could see it yourself).
we chose to communicate a theme than tell a story- the theme being "the things we leave behind / being left behind".you see, it is kind of dual in nature because those two are two different things, right? they have a common factor - which is the concept of leaving - but still, we just cant say they are one and the same. we showed pictures of objects - some sepia,some colored - in random order so that is what makes it harder to understand (or at least for me). using the opening song in the movie "closer" - damien rice' the blower's daughter, we aim to evoke nostalgic feelings from our viewers. and i just hope we achieve that objective. (shet.. nakakakaba)
hmm.. we hope we do it good. god knows how much our group worked hard and sacrificed things for this. my groupmate denise was not able to watch yesterday's ateneo vs la salle game (although she was supposed to watch from the green archers side because of her dad). joel had to spend his car's gas and look for every editing place katipunan. gel, who is the daughter of jose mari chan (hmm..trivia), did a weird thing of asking her eliazo dormer friend to allow us to use her bed, her bra and her roommates used clothes and undie for a certain photo shoot, haha. and tami met up with us yesterday after being food-poisoned last friday.
***
i have to be in a good mood. it's happy uno day.. remember that,teng... psych yourself up!
Posted by tengcorrea at 7/11/2005 01:18:00 PM
it's been a month - of memories, thoughts, laughter,tears shared together. i still couldnt believe that so much could happen in a single month. i still couldnt believe that some changes - either good or bad - would occur in my life and with how and why i live it. i still couldnt believe that i could be this true to myself and to the people around me.
but i'd better believe - because sometimes and usually in the least unexpected times, someone comes into our life and we just know that we have changed; that we have grown; that we have been introduced to certain thoughts and emotions we've never experienced before; that we have done something others might find really illogical and stupid and funny.
- and we know that we owe a certain part of ourselves to that someone. and we find it real hard to let a day pass without seeing that someone, or just hearing his voice, or knowing that that someone at least thinks of / remembers you.
that someone already came to me. that someone makes me happy; makes me sad; makes me cry; makes me hurt; gets me irritated at times; makes me feel guilty = a rollercoaster ride of emotions, indeed. but i believe what matters most now to me is that he is here and i would like to believe that he is to stay.
Posted by tengcorrea at 7/11/2005 01:13:00 PM
5/19/2005
breaking my promises to myself.
This entry is about how I choose to live.. and love..
***
After realizing that I am that kind of person who gets easily carried away and turns away just as easily from that abstraction called love, earlier this summer, I have made the following promises to myself and as all promises, these I intended to keep but failed to:
I promised myself that I would never be unfair again – to myself and to other people;
.. that I would never fall for someone I already know – because I wanted someone new – believing that building new friendships and relationships with new people would make me grow;
.. that I would never take seriously someone who expresses his love more through words than with actions;
...that I would never believe myself and my heart again when they tell me that ‘I am in love’
..that I would never say I love someone until I am sure – not of how I feel – but certain that everything would work and turn out smooth-sailing – happy and legal;
but all these NEVERs I did; all these promises I broke; all these ‘laws’ I disobeyed; all these plans I disregarded..
because without planning it, someone came into my life – not that I have known him only now but he came into my life in a completely new and different way – and since then, he has been causing me to break almost every rule I have set to myself…
Posted by tengcorrea at 7/07/2005 08:33:00 PM
yeah right. nice.. and this is due this next monday. imagine, we (i happen to meet my groupmates, by the way, just yesterday during class) have to choose a song (usually 3 minutes yun, di ba?) then we take pictures to compose a music video. it is actually a basic tv/video production class but since we are just starting, we start with the non-moving stuff first.
it is a interesting. but..but.. what i am worried about is the time period that we have on our hands to work on it. yesterday, we kind of thought that we wanted to be different so we wanted to be comedic. we thought of using novelty songs but we haven't decided yet what particular song or if we are combining several (medley, that is). hmm.. and right now, (as in at this very moment), i am thinking how we are gonna do it (haha, here comes MIss Worried). the initial step which is deciding a song is difficult na agad and if we happen to choose the 'wrong' one', we are doomed.
sayang.. sayang lang because this project COULD be fun but because of time pressure, i can sense that it woulld turn out to be more of WORK than fun for us, or at least for me. well, let us just hope that my groupmates aren't as unexcited as i am. then, i would just have to adjust. that;s no problem.
ok.. i'll just update you with this and other stuff next time. :)
Posted by tengcorrea at 7/05/2005 10:06:00 AM
do watch PINOY/BLONDE starring epy and boy2 quizon (yeah, the two dreadlocked guys, (is there such a term, hmm. i wonder), showing this july 13. (haha, im not an extra here, im just extending my job here as part of the promo team. haha, yeah right, i am working as a promo girl for the film. story on this next time)
a tony gloria production, it is from unitel pictures - same film outfit who produced santa santita, crying ladies and la visa loca. this is directed by peque gallaga (his directorial job before this was 6 years ago). it is multimedia, with animation,.. basta, astig na movie. (personal opinion - quite postmodern ;))
also. check out the OST cd - a compilation from our great pinoy bands - mayonnaise, bamboo, imago, radioactive sago project, hellbender, sugarfree, kapatid, kjwan, urbandub, twisted halo, brockas.
(there's a free concert later this evening, 8:30, at podium driveway (i think?), ortigas. haha, be there)
watch out for the trailers also as well as the music videos.
plus plus.. check out the web site at pinoyblonde.com. sobrang astig ang lay-out etc.. 'nuff said.
***
yey.:)
not your typical pinoy film - pero pinoy pa rin. astig.
