Monday, October 23, 2006

i hate. i hate.

All of a sudden, I feel like torturing people. I feel like saying words that hurt. Painful truths, though.

..yes, even if means torturing myself as well.

Posted by tengcorrea at 10/23/2006 04:56:00 PM

0 comments Sunday, October 22, 2006

what the?!!!

i wonder what the hell happened to my tagboard!!! that is sooo annoying. grr..

(teng is too lazy to write, obviously.hehe)

Posted by tengcorrea at 10/22/2006 06:07:00 PM

0 comments Wednesday, October 18, 2006

just so you know how stupid i am

where's my sense of history?!!

i didn't know Rolex 12; and that Danding Cojuangco is the only civilian who is part of that group;

I didnt (and still dont) know whether it was Imelda who built the UP Film Center; (i know she built a film center that is haunted now; and i know that that is not in UP.. so i answered False and since we were supposed to give our 'believed' right answer: I just said Film Center of the Phil - now I know there's no such thing. shet. i thought a counterpart of CCP!!);

I didnt know that Salamat Hashim is the same as Hashim Salamat; and that he studied in Cairo and not in Pakistan;

I didnt know what student organization Edgar Jopson is head of;

I didnt know the three newspapers allowed during the martial law era;

and a lot lot more..

tang-ina, sobrang bobo ko. ano ba yan.. grr

i did know one thing:

I did fail my final exam; and even if Sir says that he is gonna curve - there's no point in that (in our second long test where i got a 15 over 30, someone got a perfect score, so... haha, ok, curve it, so what?!)

Posted by tengcorrea at 10/18/2006 02:36:00 PM

0 comments

what happened to the old teng?! :(

hay..

fact1:i have a history final exam in less than hour.
fact2: i read but didnt understand (i started reading just yesterday; how can i absorb all those names; and political and social parties and proclamation during the martial law period)
fact3: i should be reading now (because as ive shared in my prev post - i failed my long test for this subj) i cant fail this. boo.

Hay.. This exhausting sem indeed changed me. I learned to procrastinate. I learned to say "bahala na".

last stretch na RAW ito pero parang di ko pa kinakaya :(

i shall drown in beer when this is all over.

Posted by tengcorrea at 10/18/2006 01:07:00 PM

0 comments Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Murder

the ff are dead:
Strat Plan pitch
Philo oral exams
Theo oral exams

the ff are to die:
very soon: Post defense thesis draft
soon: History finals
not-so-soon:
Direct Mail, Print Ad and Any Medium of Choice Selling my self AND an interview

wah.. i still have stuff to do. but i looooveee seeing those sheets of paper 'disappear' from my To-do's Board.

Posted by tengcorrea at 10/17/2006 09:22:00 AM

0 comments Sunday, October 15, 2006

"you"

If love is honestly accepting the unfathomable "you" in every person, then i guess i love him.

Maybe what I was telling him before still rings true today - "I love you and I always will". But this time, I have to keep those words to myself. It could hear it more loudly yet I choose to remain silent.

He wants us to be together but it is either we meet halfway or that i go to him. He does not understand me; and he always makes me feel he doesn't intend to do so. Instead of making me feel ok when I am sad, he makes me feel that it is a condition I have learned to love. When I complain to him how tired I am, he makes me feel worse by making me feel that it is because that is how i choose to live. When i tell him I cant see him, he does not know how it pains me (he even thinks I am happy with that).

Despite all these.. I think he still is. Siya pa rin ang siya.

Posted by tengcorrea at 10/15/2006 11:27:00 AM

0 comments Monday, October 09, 2006

so this is it..

so this is the after-defense feeling. so-so

yeah right, because how can i enjoy passing such a major event in my college life when i still have:

Strat Plan pitch this Thursday;

Direct Mail, Print Ad and Any Medium of Choice Selling my self AND an interview with creative guys from my dream company McCann this saturday(kumusta naman pag pumalpak ako dito di ba?: my career ends before it really starts;

a Philo Oral Exams this Sunday (comprehensive, take note);

a Theo oral exams and the Revised After-Defense Thesis Draft next Tuesday;

History finals next Wednesday (which i have to work soooo hard for because of that 15/30 score i got in our second and last long test, :(

OWWWW--key. what kind of life do i have? what kind of life does the ateneo want its students to have?god, as i walking home a while ago, i saw a fellow atenean crying - not an unusual sight at these times.

DEFENSE IS OVER!!!!! shhheesshhh, i have to absorb this, or else i am going to break down with all these to-do's in less than a week's tim.
boo (grrr. i hate my expression these days. "boo")

Posted by tengcorrea at 10/09/2006 05:00:00 PM

3 comments Thursday, October 05, 2006

why do You speak to me this way?

God has an unusual way of speaking to me.

Just when I want an end to all of this...

Vee-jay's grandfather died. I havent met him but his death made me cry when i found out.

i hope vee-jay's ok.

Posted by tengcorrea at 10/05/2006 06:14:00 PM

0 comments

God, why do i feel that my life is getting worse and worse each day?

i cant play this anymore

Posted by tengcorrea at 10/05/2006 11:36:00 AM

0 comments Monday, October 02, 2006

there's the mean girl in me

Someone asked me who is he to me.

And here was what I said: I need you. Sa totoo lang, you are the person I need most right now and every time I am hurt. But you fail me, you always fail me
Boo. I think that was quite a hurtful and harsh piece. But I had been honest. And if from the very beginning, he believes that our relationship is all about being true to each other, then I guess I’m keeping his faith in what we share.

Hay.. It is this weird mood again, I guess.

I just came from our immersion presentation for Theology class; and I couldnt say whether this weird mood came from the fact that the points we raised were questioned by our teacher and we werent able to defend it too well. Hmm.. but I agree with him – that we needed to be more careful with the statements that we make.

Anyway, it all started when he asked me where I am because he had nothing to do. But that was before our presentation so I said that I was in school and we were to present. I got another message from him right after the presentation so when he asked again where I was that time, I replied that we were done reporting. Then he just said that we just go out as a sort of blow-out shit (whatever). That was it. But it really pissed me off.

Because he has always been like that. If he is f*king bored and he wants to be with someone who happens to be me, then why can’t he just go here? Why does he always make me want to go to him? Or that ok, we meet up halfway? Then thinking about it now, he was not texting me for the past two days because he didnt someone to be with him, right?

Yeah right, I know I sound pathetic because I am ‘demanding’ or whatever.

I told him while we were texting a while ago that I know who I am to him. Maybe I don’t really know. because in my mind, im still thinking of such f*cking demands.

(God, Im really annoyed. I couldn’t help but type the F word.)

***
One question that my Philo prof raised this morning was this: Mas madali ba ang mahalin o ang magmahal?

At first glance, it would have been easy for most people to say that it is easy to be loved. But I agree with the point my prof made: it is not that easy when you just do not understand the way that person loves you.

A parent may love his daughter by giving her curfews; while the daughter may see such love as overly protective and restricting. It happens as well that the way a person loves someone is by unloving (I think this is the theme of the film she is making us watch this Thursday).
I have been thinking what I would choose (if ever there is such a thing as choosing between the two so that I can be happy). But I think that for now, I choose not to choose. A corny answer, it is like being a voter and voting Abstain. It’s like ‘having an opinion’ – which is to be neutral.

And why would I want that choice? Because I want to be in the safe zone. Not in the sense that I am protecting my self from the pains that I could get (am getting) from loving and being loved. But I choose to protect myself from the hatred that most probably will come out (is coming out) once I understand – how I love and how others love me (or putting it in its inverse: how I cant love and how others can’t love me)

Or maybe because what I really want is to love and be loved back in a way that I understand. Such a dream. Very romantic.

In the situations I am in right now, that is hope in its most impure sense:
umaasa ako na… mamahalin mo rin ako. What makes it more impure is: umaasa ako na .. mamahalin mo rin ako.. sa ganitong paraan.
Grrr.. I sound really bad, right?

Posted by tengcorrea at 10/02/2006 06:59:00 PM

0 comments Sunday, October 01, 2006

a walk to remember

for a change, i'd like to write about something beautiful :)

last friday night, i was happy. to be precise, someone made me happy.

yep. nothing much has changed with me. im still the dependent freak (wooppss.. my i-hate-myself tendencies are again kicking in. hep. stop, i told you this is going to be a beautiful one. hehe)

back to my story - it was one of those rare moments for a person like me whose mind is always preoccupied with must-do's. It was a walk i didnt plan; a walk i didnt think about. it never occured to me as well that I'd be walking with him.

But we walked together. JUST. It wasnt a romantic scene or whatever. It was a foggy night - there were no stars; the moon was hiding somewhere. There was no witness - but us. And most probably, between the two of us, i am the only one who'll remember that.

But that's ok. He did his part. He made me happy. Whatever the context is, whatever his intentions were (if ever he had his reasons), he made me happy.

This time, Im ordering myself to stop analyzing. He made me happy. JUST. He may be hurting me now. He may hurt me more in the next days until the day that we no longer see each other.

But i'll never forget. I'll keep coming back to that time we walked together. just.