Saturday, August 28, 2004
Fuck.. I just wish this sem would be over. I miss home. I miss my family. I miss homecooking. I miss cable Tv.
I miss being idle. I miss being a bum.
Wait, am I really missing these things? or am I simply wishing to escape from responsibilities in school?
Woaahh.. that’s not so good.
I expect the next week to be friggin’ hell. We are reporting on the passion and death of Christ for Theo this Monday. I wish us good luck. For comm. 100, we are gonna start working on our comm. research report. For psych, we are having the major quiz and the major exam. Shheessh, I feel pressured now.
Things surely are piling up.
KEWLNESS.. i can experiment with colors here. hehe. a new feature of blogger.
Posted by tengcorrea at 8/28/2004 08:04:00 PM
determined to go to school despite the heavy rains, afraid of missing the possible bonus quiz in theo (hehe!) - i managed to cross that mini-river in jolibee. i was afraid at first to go myself for i might step in a hole or the water might be deeper than i expected so i waited. fortunately, i saw haidi, my pe mate last sem, who was having her long test that morning. (i said to myself, "ayos, for sure, willing na lumusong sa baha to")
when we were at the overpass already, shheeeshh.. someone from school (who i dont really know personally) told us that classes from 930 onwards were suspended. yeah right.
i stayed in school for less than hour -surfed the net for 5 minutes (since RSF was closing at 10 am); went to the caf, sat with chloe and her friends for a few minutes while waiting for the rain to stop a bit. then i had to go to the internet cafe since i had to forward a very important email for comm101. and finally, home sweet dorm. yikes, only then do i get to take off my soaking wet rubber shoes. yack..
Posted by tengcorrea at 8/24/2004 08:09:00 PM
cravings.
i just cant resist these chinese delicacies - hopia, tikoy. imagine, i even went to sm north even if it was late already (around 830 p.m.- i was with isay and her mom, by the way) just to buy these from salazar bakery.
Posted by tengcorrea at 8/22/2004 10:35:00 PM
After having read in our psych textbook that people who engage themselves in restrained diets tend to eat more / binge once they have decided to quit the diet.
Shoot. That’s what precisely is happening to me these days. After having that discipline for the past few weeks of eating only in small amounts twice a day, I am now losing grip on that discipline. If before, I get satisfied (or at least I think I do get satisfied) by skipping breakfast, eating only hopia o sandwich for lunch and an apple for dinner (trying to avoid in-between meals), now, I just can’t control all my cravings for waffle, ice cakes, buchi and wheat bread. Arghh.. these foods are heavy, you see and rich in carbo – not very ideal for someone who doesn’t want to get fat.
However, the problem is not WHAT I eat. I mean it’s ok to eat these foods as long as I know how to eat in moderation, right? But unfortunately, I don’t. I binge. Once I tried to open a whole pack of wheat bread, I eat as much as I could, up to the point that my stomach feels so full. I feel upset but I couldn’t stop myself from eating until there’s nothing left to eat. I could eat eight slices of wheat bread in one seating.
Then I get depressed. Some people witness how I can suddenly shift from a somehow elated mood to a gloomy one. At one time, I can be very cheery and talkative then after eating, I tend to just get quiet.
And the worst of all depressions comes when I am alone. During those times, I wish I could just talk to anyone personally and just tell that person that “hey, im depressed. I know it’s odd but it’s because I just ate.” That person might not understand me really but at least, I could release my depression, right?
The problem with me is that I am such an emotional eater. I eat every time Im feeling bored, depressed, alone or every time I am doing or reading something I cant seem to understand. I even have more control of not eating when im hungry. That makes me, I guess, what they call an “emotional eater”. It is dangerous, you see. Because I am greatly prone to obesity especially naturally being the type of person who is usually either alone, depressed or laden with school stuff to doS.
And I dont want to be fat.
Everytime I say this to other people, they often blurt out that im too thin already and that even if I eat much, I wouldn’t get really fat. yeah, that’s probably true. but since I started getting too conscious about my weight, my body rather, particularly my arms, my concern isn’t just about getting fat, as in fat. what I want is to be thin, really thin. And so even if people tell me that I am too thin (that was then, by the way, im starting to get fat again now. God, it depresses me) that I look so frail and pale already; that it no longer looks healthy with my bones already protruding.
So I want to modify my statement. I dont want to get fat.
you see, I believe theres a major difference between getting fat and being fat. I want the way my body to be the thinnest it can possibly be – even if it sometimes scares me if I look in the mirror and could almost see my ribs and pelvic bone and other bones beneath the skin; even if it sometimes worries me the possibility that my gall bladder or my liver or my digestive track or whatever organs or body systems might fail and stop working. Of course, I care about those things. But I seem to care more on getting thin.
Sometimes if I think about it, I cant find the answers WHY in the first place do I want to be thin. I do not (and probably cant) make people admire me by being thin. I do not (and probably cant) make people believe in me by being thin. I do not (and probably cant) make people love me by being thin.
Probably then, I want to get thin (or thinner) because I just want to - because I am happy with it. but am I really happy with it? just how happy? am I happy depriving myself of the innate satisfaction people normally get from food? am I happy that after eating, guilty feelings creep through me? I don’t know. Happiness maybe really entails a lot of sacrifice and depression.
I am in an elusive world where I continuously seek for that happiness which as of now, seems centered on the physical – on vanity. In my elusive world, I don’t know whether to start or to stop. And if ever I do, I do not know where and how.
^^^
FOOD makes me cry. FOOD makes me wanna throw up. but I just couldn’t. that's what makes it most depressing. :(
Posted by tengcorrea at 8/19/2004 08:05:00 PM
that attitude of mine is odd, i know. i dont know what explanations psych has to give me on that. hehe. probably it's because i get so used to doing many things that when there's not much to do REALLY, i tend to feel that i have to do things in advance so that wouldnt add up to my problems in the next days..
ANYWAY, [ i love this word. it works as a perfect transition when you feel that you're talking sh*t / useless already that you have to move on to another topic that somehow makes sense ]..
ANYWAY, i still dont have plans for tomorrow. i dont think the block has plans of going out. i just dont know if my dormmates are staying in the dorm or going homE so i can never be sure that we're gonna do something together. yeye cant go to the mall with me since she has to review for a test. hayy.. buhay.. i guess i have to stay at the dorm. hmm, that's not a very bad idea.
tom could be my rest day - my own sabbath.
Posted by tengcorrea at 8/18/2004 03:05:00 PM
see the difference?!
WEHE.. ang vain..
since i felt like i had nothing to do important last night, i borrowed khia's curling iron and so i curled my hair. [duh?! what else do we do with curling iron?!)
btw, i would just like to tell you to BEWARE 'cause i would be posting many pictures in my blog. (hmm, im still thinking about creating an online photo album. hehe. unfortunately, i dont have much time these days..)
Posted by tengcorrea at 8/17/2004 03:35:00 PM
ice MONSTER!( what's so ironic about the ice monsters katips branch is that the place is not as BIG as a monster., hehe. in fact, it's friggin' small. cute monster, wehe.. oh well, i know it's a pointless argumwnt. eh ano?! naisip ko lang, LABO..)
ANYWAY..
bianx, martin and i were at ice monster this afternoon. we were supposed to discuss our reporting and presentation on comm research.BUT we ended up talking about .. hehe.. boylets (yes, martin was listening :)) t'was bianx who started it by asking "teng, musta ka naman?" i was like 'ow-key' -- i said "ok naman". it didnt end there though. since i was quite in the mood yesterday to REVEAL myself, (hehe, theology, andyan ka ba?!) err. what i mean is that im in the mood to make 'kuwento', so to speaj, i started sharing stories.. (stories on?? secwet..) it turned out to be an unplanned.. UBE ! -ultimate bonding experience. :)
Posted by tengcorrea at 8/16/2004 05:09:00 PM
this was taken before comm theory class. hmm.. i am sandwiched by two pretty gurls. hehe - JJ on my right and nyoy volante este JAY on my left.
they have their 'PORN' picture but i decided not to post it here. hehe, it's disturbing.
Posted by tengcorrea at 8/16/2004 04:26:00 PM
people are really weird. i have proven myself that there are really fugly bitches in this mean world. (haha, i remember the mean world syndrome we have discussed in comm theory class and of course, the movie 'mean girls') ayyy..probably i really just dont know her really. i dont know if it's bad but everytime, i look at her now, i cant help but be annoyed knowing that behind that seemingly 'innocent' person, is a backstabber. i pity her.
****
damn, chocolate cakes are haunting me the whole day.
i ate chocolate cake and lotsa junk food for lunch since our block held this surprise 'eat-together' for ktl at treens' condo. wow, for someone like me who's in a so-called diet, wehe, i've just commited the ultimate sin! shet, i felt so guilty after eating a lot -- worse, eating a lot of FATTENING foods. shet.. after that, i promosed not to eat dinner anymore or to just eat apple.
when i arrived at the dorm, it happened that crystal, a dormmate was also celebrating her birthday. as i was going up the stairs, roommate khia called me and said she needed help. there, i found out that they were planning to surprise crystal. on the table was a chocolate cake. i was like, ""damn.. damn.. again?!" i helped with the lettering stuff for the happy bday banner, hehe.. crystal came and guess what she was carrying, a red ribbon box -- damn, chocolate mousse. huhu, nakakaiyak. i assume you would know what happened next.. i ate again - chocolate again. shet, i really lack discipline especially when cravings come.
i felt sooo guilty after that. nothing's so new about that, by the way. tsk tsk. the thing is -- crystal said that she was treating us (dormers) for dinner sa world topps. huh?! i motivated myself that i wouldnt come with them anymore repeating this mantra in my head that "teng, stop it. you've had enough for the day", which is true. i actually had more than enough, i guess. but since i couldnt say no and i dont think they would let me say that i wouldnt come with them, i joined them for dinner but before that, i made them promise me first that they wouldnt force me to eat. the deal was that i would go with them but i'll just drink water. yeah,, i didnt eat. shet, i was so proud of myself for that.
Posted by tengcorrea at 8/10/2004 02:31:00 PM
yeah right. after the major written long test in theo last monday, (which is like 1/3 of 50% of our grade.. hay.. you do the math!) and the psych quiz on last tues, plus the other readings - our brain just stopped working, i guess. too bad it happened during the psych major exam. hayy,, i studied for the exam and so did my partner mads(it was in dyads, btw). but well, we almost failed. as in we got 33 out of 60 items. crap, goodbye to the oppotunity of not having to take the third long test. things just got so messed up during the exam. i couldnt seem to focus and understand the friggin' long hypothetical questions about the brain and sleep and awareness.. blah blah..
i also wasnt able to finish writing the reflection paper on broadcasting for comm 100 last night. it was stupid 'cause i had to sacrifice not eating out with relatives (since it was timi's, my cousin, yesterday, i was supposed to eat with them somewhere in roxas). i spent almost the whole night writing the paper and yet,i stil wasnt able to finish it. it was just early this morning that i finished it. but still, what i came up with was a CRAP paper, i swear, with no focus and coherence. (i dont wanna change it, by the way, bahala na)i wonder how im gonna do well with my final research paper,which is also about broadcasting when i cant even write a good reflection paper on it. hay,,, probabaly,i made the wrong choice of topic. hell,i just realized a metadiscourse on media is just so complex that it almost makes no sense what causes what effect. arrghh.. labo.. basta, the argument just keeps on moving in circles.
my brain still is in a state of hibernation, today, i must say. i am so not in the mood to think, to do research, to do what needs to be done. i wonder what's wrong. nagiging tamad lang talaga ako.
haha, oh well, bahala na. probably, i just need to enjoy life. breathe. magpapainom si kt later because it's her bday on monday. yahoo.. LABO ko, (i am losing my concentration on my studies tapos naghahanap pa ng good time eh..)
Posted by tengcorrea at 8/06/2004 01:15:00 PM
i studied for it, i swear. i've read the hand-outs and the textbook and my stupid notes. the problem is, it is just very hard to be able to answer all 6 essay questions in 50 minutes. wooaahh.. it's like you dont even have time to organize your thoughts or worse, even to remember the things that you've read. i've spent around 30 minutes just answering 2 questions. another thing - my mistake was that i answered the most important question which comprises the biggest score (the 3rd part) last. it was supposed to be ideally in 2 pages. crap, i answered it incoherently in 2 paragraphs. so.. my weekend hours spent studying for that test all have gone to WASTE.
yeha right. this week is hell. i have a psych quiz this afternoon and a long test on the same subj on thurs. there's also this worksheet that we have to accomplish using that whatever macromedia player which i still dont have installed in my PC.
whine.. whine.. whine...
i cant wait for friday to come. it's kt's bday celeb. inuman na 'to! my blockmates and i DESERVE it.
