Tuesday, February 28, 2006
lie. invent.
this lie must stop.i no longer want to make up stories. i no longer want to invent reasons.
someone used to ask me where i am, or whether i have eaten, or when i will be back - not because i am in some way special - not because that someone likes me, not because that someone is waiting. it is just that someone is just like that. that someone makes me smile but that is not because he chooses to do so. i am not his reason for his acts of kindness, sweetness towards me, and i never will.
all this time, i am lying. i am making up stories. i am inventing reasons. and i feel so stupid for doing so - because from the very beginning, i know this is one big joke.
a joke that used to be a very good one. but not anymore.
i must stop. but honestly, what's still stupid is that i am still thinking that that someone would get affected. again, i am inventing.
Posted by tengcorrea at 2/28/2006 05:29:00 PM
just a sad thought
people come and go.some quickly.
some slowly.
sometimes, you know when they are to leave; and it pains you, it gets you confused whether you are to attach yourself to them, enjoying every second of being together; or you are to distance yourself from them knowing that in time, in a very short time, they are to go and leave you thinking when or if ever they are still coming back
sometimes, it surprises you, then you end up blaming yourself.
"people come and go". fate. yet sometimes, something we deliberately do - pushing other people away from us. but then, everything has its reasons, which we need not force ourselves to understand at the moment.
"people come and go". these people touch our lives and hopefully, we do touch theirs as well, knowingly or unknowingly.
for all the people who came and went away; for those who still stay; for those who are slowly moving on away from me; for those who are destined to leave me after some time;
thank you.
the memories of US will stay.
and everytime i would look at myself, i would always remember that this could have not been me - if not for you - for the pieces of me which you gave, you took away, you replaced, or you nourished.
(this makes me sound a passive recipient. but yes, i admit. it took me some time to realize but all these years, i am being so dependent on other people, for my own happiness.) i like to change. humugot naman sa sarili ko. but of course, it is always easier said than done.
and for those who will come and eventually leave, whether quickly or slowly, whether expectedly or unexpectedly, i would be waiting for the day we meet. would you give me pain, or happiness or escape, or fear, or illusion?
the cycle of coming and leaving would continue. but i believe it is never wortheless, never pointless.
Posted by tengcorrea at 2/25/2006 07:26:00 PM
Hearts' Day 06
i had the best valentine's day ever..you might immediately think that it is because i spent it with a boyfriend or what.. but not really. it was just that i feel that everything (the happy and the sad) that happened yesterday simply fit together.
i feel so loved by many people -
the people who greeted me a 'happy hearts' day' through text - krixie, jam, khia, bers, luthgard, kb;
the korean kids in the dorm who gave me chocolates (i think it was not their tradition but they did it anyway);
the stranger in the mall who was my company while i was waiting for someone (my instant date);
my mother who sent me this very sweet message - "Hapi Valentine's Day!!! Wo ai ni! Take care. 4 me u r d most perfect and beautiful girl in d whole world." it might sound cheesy but coming from someone who have seen and felt the worst of me, the monster in me, and yet accepted me (the unconditional love of a mother, precisely) - such words are just the sweetest they almost made me cry;
tal with whom i share my happy and not-so-happy thoughts, to whom i can confess my 'unreasonable' joys and pains, without fear of being judged; her negative plus my negative equals a positive. One sees the other cry without really understanding why. because sometimes reasons need not be known, right? One can understand without really knowing why;
he - whose presence, little acts and funny messages make me smile, he who i wait to see everyday, he who i like to remain a joke (sounds bad, huh?)so that it would not hurt; (but yes, it sort of did cause me pain already)
vee-jay, my baba - for the pain and the happiness; for the 'surprise' which i and the circumstances again spoiled but that which is still very much appreciated.
ahh.. happiness. sometimes the belief, the conviction that one is loved.
