Monday, January 29, 2007

im just grateful

yes we do :) i'm praying for you, sweetness (not for a guy or whatever, but for happiness in general) :) -isay

Posted by tengcorrea at 1/29/2007 09:39:00 AM

0 comments Wednesday, January 17, 2007

"konti na lang" - yeah right.

the shirt i was wearing yesterday is cursed!

ha! it read: "konti na lang, graduation na. march 30 & 31, 2007".

then yesterday, i found out:

- i had to make major changes for my Conscience paper (just when i thought i only had to print it out);
- i have a Pol Sci long test tomorrow
- i have to write a reaction paper for media law next tues
- we have three more Theo papers (and boy, these are heavy papers); (one is due next thurs, the other the thurs after that, and the third one due the next thurs after next week's thurs shet, labo)
- i have an outline (internal submission) for our media law final paper (due tom via email)

Hay.. I feel drowned.

Ooopss. I just made my blog into another post-it.

konti na lang.
konti na lang ang panahon ko para gawin yang mga iyan kaya dapat imbes na mag-blog, magtrabaho na, di ba? hehe.

Posted by tengcorrea at 1/17/2007 10:10:00 AM

2 comments Sunday, January 14, 2007

why we write

Inspired by the movies I watched yesterday, The Hours and Daddy Long Legs (a Korean film), I 'realized' that ..
we write because we are scared..
not only of being forgotten, but of forgetting.

One might say it is a simple fact of life. What example could be more apt than our mundane acts of sticking those neon-colored post-its at the back of our notebook's front page or writing our to-do's on the pages of that bulky planner that came with liters of caffeine running in our veins.

But I would like to talk about those 'other things' (for lack of a better term) that we are scared of forgetting; by saying 'other', I did not mean to imply that these are rare. Rather, I refer to these as 'other' because these are not planned, unthought-of. And while the examples mentioned earlier deal with what we give time to (thus implying a certain form of control), these 'other things' refer to what time gives us and gets back just as fast.

I am talking about moments - moments that become memories when remembered, when not forgotten.

In Daddy Long Legs, it is by writing (specifically, email messages to be sent a year after) that the main male character who is suffering from a disease that erases his memory, tries to keep what he calls "memories of love".

In The Hours, it is by writing that the brilliant poet played by (Ed Harris) wants to capture every moment - all the feelings in a single moment, right then and there, but he fails.

And it is not surprising. Because wanting to grasp fully what is 'uncapturable' in its very nature is like wanting to hold water in our hands without expecting some of it to spill.

Every person is a moment. Every happiness is a moment. Every pain is a moment. Neither a beginning nor an end.

Echoing what the modern Mrs Dalloway said in The Hours - "It was the moment. Right then.";

and what Virginia Woolf told her husband, "to look life in the face, always to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last, to know it, to love it, for what it is and then to put it away."

I am not against the fear of forgetting. I am not against writing (because if that's the case, then I am hating what I am doing now). This is just a caution for those who expect too much of the eternal in every person, in every happiness, in every pain; for those who fear extinction that when it comes to them, they crumble.

Life and death happens in a single moment; and the moment you write about the moment - it both lives and dies.

Posted by tengcorrea at 1/14/2007 11:55:00 AM

0 comments Sunday, January 07, 2007

fireworks galore.

yay! yeye and i went to mall of asia to watch the pyrolympics (hmm.. im not sure if that is how it's called) - hmm.. fireworks display. :)

(haha. what an exciting way to start an entry, bleh.)

anyway, i realized certain things:

1. I love being in a crowded place. It reminds me of something i learned from my first philo class - how when with other bodies, you feel like you lose 'you'. ok, that was not how my prof said it, but that is the way i understand it now. No, let me clarify, it is just like you are one of them. You are just one body, and you look at them or theirs in the same way. I loved the way it made me numb - because I did not have to care whether they care or not; they are just there, and their presence made me feel.. ok. (?)

2. Though Yeye and I differ in our so-called 'dispositions' in life - we have one thing in common: we are both whiners. Haha, no, because for 50 minutes, we had to just stand there while waiting for the second display!

3. I love fireworks. Simply because it reminds me of someone, of the sky, and the darkness of the night. (wink. wink)

Posted by tengcorrea at 1/07/2007 10:33:00 AM

0 comments Friday, January 05, 2007

an (incomplete) year-ender

(i was too confident of my memory and writing capability that i thought i would be able to remember and capture beautifully some highlights - either thoughts or events - for each month last year. Hmm.. but I guess I overestimated myself. Haha, so please bear with this incomplete entry.)

January.

A relationship I thought would last forever ended. On that night, I had to accept the fact that no matter how hard we try to keep our commitments, we all come to a point when we have to decide to break them to free ourselves from pain.

Now: It never ended, or at least, that is how I want things to be. I still keep the promise I made to him; but given the present circumstances, it has to find its proper expression.

February.

The 14th of every month started to be a date to remember. It was a night of being hurt, and hurting someone. It was a night of waiting. Such waiting continued; and it was getting more and more painful as each month passed. The happy thought started to wane. The faith in a true love that can change the language of a person faded.

But now I realize that it is unfair to label someone as a “happy thought” because that renders him useless once he fails to meet your expectations;

and that true love is not only about changing a person to that person you want him to be. It involves accepting the person for who s/he was, is and will be. It is not about the other person becoming for you or you becoming for the other; it is becoming together.

March.

From where I fell, it was as if someone was unknowingly catching me – making me feel worthy of admiration, and care. Slowly, I am learning to reason out for someone else’s actions – just the way I want to story to progress – toward a happy ending.

But it turned out to be a story with too much of my point of view that it misses those of the other characters. Too much of itself. Selfish.

April.

People drift. They are like water; they come and go.

May - August: (hmm.. a lot of things actually happened during these months. unfortunately, too much emotions, too many events, that I was not able to write them down.)

September.
I realized how selfish I have been for the past months worrying about myself – my schoolwork, my relationships.

November.
What used to be a straight line is now just a dot. We all were trying to live separate lives. We all were moving on. I was trying. I did not know about them. But all I knew then was how much I wanted to know where I stand in these persons' live; and not only know, but learn to be happy where they choose to put me.

During those times when life seems to offer us not too many choices, it only gives us the chance to be brave – to choose those which we never thought we could.

December.

(there.)

Posted by tengcorrea at 1/05/2007 09:49:00 AM

0 comments Thursday, January 04, 2007

missing people

let me be very specific.

i miss my family, and the way i am not in control of my time when with them;

i miss yeye, and our conversations that never fail to assure us that despite distance and irregular communication, we remain the best of friends ( i unfortunately was not able to meet her tonight because i had class until seven);

i miss vee-jay, and his empty words;

i miss andeng, and her baby chloe (if only i was able to spend more time with her when i was in Baler);

i miss the old teng, who does not lie to herself.

Posted by tengcorrea at 1/04/2007 08:59:00 PM

0 comments Tuesday, January 02, 2007

where i stand

he said something that went like this:

"always be careful. i dont know who you drink with. when you drink with me, i will take care of you because you are my friend. But some other guys,.. they are like animals."

ha?!

others would most probably not understand what my friend meant when he said this to me. But I understood it.. - so well, that on that night, I knew where I stand in his life. I knew where he wants me. I am his friend, and should he decide to keep me, I should remain as that.

And I have learned to accept that.. surprisingly. Unlike before when I was waiting everyday for him to like me more than as a friend.

Hay.. I was happy on the first night of 2007. And as I have told him, I want to thank him for being with me, and for taking care of me when I was a little drunk.

He was holding my wrist (not my hand, because that is reserved of course, I believe, to the more important girl in his life, :p) the whole time we were walking. Maybe, he was thinking that I might trip. As soon as we reached our place, it rained. We sat down for a few minutes, and talked. He even gave me his polo because he thought I was feeling cold.

If these things happened before, I would make up reasons for him. That would be unfair to both of us - to him, because I am misreading him; and to me, because I am making myself more likely to get hurt.

So on that night, I stopped inventing reasons. Maybe, I should even stop asking why.