Wednesday, October 27, 2004
thanks to tita teret for allowing me to use her pc and her internet access of course : ) so i could write that long post. hehe.credits daw ba?
Posted by tengcorrea at 10/27/2004 01:06:00 AM
i do not really know if a famous person or a philospher actually said this. all i know is that this is what i have been pondering on for the past two days.
it all started last sunday night, when i got back here in manila after my so-called sembreak (i was in baler for like less than a week.. what-ta-break. hay.) . again, for reasons i could not identify, sadness crept into me. this time, though, i guess it was a different kind of sadness. my dark emotions were probably the worst that i could not help but cry -- and once i started, i could not stop. in our quiet room, my sobs were all i could hear.
if i was crying, there certainly had to be reasons. however, being the type of person who could not figure out the reasons for the things happening in my life, these reasons remain obscure - so many PROBABLYs..
for one, probably, i was just homesick. i guess it is normal for me to miss home and my family after spending only a few days in the province. i probably just wanted to escape from the dreary fact that sembreak is halfway and i have no other choice but to go back to school - back to my monotonous life.
but probably not. because in the days i had spent there, my life was boring also. those days were lazy which i oddly didnt like myself. it is weird but i hated just lying on the sofa, switching on the channels, not knowing but exactly to watch or do.
probably, i was feeling very much alone and lonely that night. my roommates were not yet there. there was no one on the room next to ours. the few others seemed asleep already because the dorm was so quiet - no movements.
again, true but not quite much. i realized that i wasnt 'specially' / unusually lonely that night because in the past years, i have always been (or at least i think i am) alone and lonely. especially when i got to college, i feel how i have always chosen to allow my social life to suffer. that is, i distance myself from other people, not in the sense that i wouldnt speak to anyone or hate people, but it is more of the failure to establish and nourish relationships with people. for the past two years, i have met new friends - real nice people who would always treat me as a friend even if i dont talk that much, disclose much of myself and spend enough time with them. i have kept my old friends still - my high school friends who still keep in touch with me through text messages which i most of the time was not able to reply to because i am always 'busy'. and of course, there's my family - my parents who never get tired of asking me how i am doing even if i keep on texting to them just 'ok' messages (which are oftentimes hints that i am not interested to text) :(
probably, i feel that i am such a failure. i looked at myself in the mirror and noticed that i have become fat in less than a week. i noticed my chubby cheeks. my arms have grown wider (and i have the tape measure to say that to my face). i have lost my discipline. i could not go on with my 'cut down on calories' diet anymore. before going home, my plan was that i would try to normalize my eating habits by having three meals days - but making sure that i eat just little carbo, more protein and do more exercise. but that plan was useless because for the past days, i have been binge eating - with my uncontrollable appetite and intense desire for that tasty bread, cheese, choco jam and (take this) powdered milk and sugar. i couldnt stop myself from eating until my stomach feels soo full (im telling you, my waist line even reached 28)
with those PROBABLYs, i realized that the biggest problem is that i am not happy. 'being happy' may sound simple or easy to other people but i am talking here of the feeling in the deeper level, so to speak. it is happiness that's more than just the feeling, it is one's own sense of contentment, of being complete, of self-acceptance.
one's happiness does not depend on where the person is. before the sem break, i was so excited to go home to baler because i believed that i would be happier there -where i could be with my family, see my old friends, rest, be lazy, watch cable TV. but when i was in baler already, i could not say/feel i was happy - really happy that is. i guess that just means that i am not happy anywhere because i am not happy within myself. i have always felt alone though there are many people around who care about me (though at times, i may not feel it). i have always felt insecure about the way i look, about my body -- so i am so scared to be fat.
i am unhappy. so what do i do?
commit suicide?
no. i am weak - not strong enough to do such a 'brave' act (which is paradoxically a sign of cowardice also). plus, i would not want to die unhappy (like most people, i think, do)
cry?
tears wont give me the contentment, the security, the thinness i want ( crying wont let me lose those extra pounds, right?)
... pray ...
i know it's a very catholic/christian answer. (hey, i am catholic). but at that very moment, that's what i decided to do. i did not find the answers right away; most things remained PROBABLYs to me, but at least, i got to spoke to someone - someone whom i have been forgetting to talk to recently - GOD. if there is GOd, then i am not / never alone. and knowing the existence of God leads me back to the essence of my own existence. i am existing because of Him and for Him. and if i could decipher the mystery of how i could exist for Him, then i would no longer be unhappy.
"search, teng."
Posted by tengcorrea at 10/26/2004 10:14:00 PM
before trish' party.
pixie-pixiehan, hehe.
Posted by tengcorrea at 10/26/2004 08:52:00 AM
im so tired of waiting, i wanna be home -- wherever in the hell home is.
speaking of home, i m going home (im just not sure yet if this is the 'real' home) so i might not be able to post here for days. (what's so new, by the way?)argghh,
NOTE: im supposed to share my insights on the two books by paulo coelho (not sure of the spelling). ive finished reading by the river piedra i sat down and wept. right now, i hope i could finish veronica decides to die before my parents pick me up tomorrow. -- but since im feeling so not good, i'll probably post insights next time (here i go again)
nga pala, tomorrow is trish' debut. i already have something to wear - pixie-pixiehan. hehe - as in everything improvised. i was at sm north yesterday and i saw those fairy wings for kids, perfect for a pixie outfit. however, i decided not to buy because it's worth 200 (not worth it for a kuripot person like me).
wahhh.. wala talaga ako sa mood magsulat. :(
Posted by tengcorrea at 10/14/2004 04:38:00 PM
shet, i cant believe this sem is over! hay.. finally i could get some rest after months of torture and hell. (haha, whiner..) anyway, thank god im done with my theo exam. hmm.. i dont think i really did well on that final test. my blockmates say the test is easy or easier compared to the written long test. hmm,, for me, it's still not that easy. i dont know, im just not confident with my answers.. ok, ok.. stop talking about the test, teng, it's over, :) :) :)
since i have nothing else to do for school. here i am, at rsf, killing time. i want to watch feng shui sana but ate bean and yeye unfortunately cant go with me. ate bean is sick while yeye still has her exams tomorrow. tsk tsk.., so here i am-- with a full stomach, literally (hmm.. does that phrase have a figurative meaning, btw. hmm, i dont think so.) i ate much again. i quite regret it but not really (LABO?) because i was quite thinking that i should eat any food from caf i wanna eat today .. kase last day na for the sem. haha, whattareason. :) ok lang, but my stomach hurts already, i so swear but my id is telling me to eat more and more and more.. welcome extra pounds. (wait.. wait.. why am i having such hyper flow of thoughts?)
by the way, trish' birthday is this friday and i am one of the 18 fairies. :) but i still have nothing to wear. major problem. the thing is -- i still could not decide whether i would wear something pixie or something retro (yun kase yung theme).. help.. help..well, at least i have something to do or think about for the next three days while i am waiting for my parents to pick me up.
shet. baler.. i am coming.
i cant wait.
frag--
ment..
..
thoughts.
Posted by tengcorrea at 10/11/2004 02:26:00 PM
i feel i have so many things to thank god for. i was able to finish my comm sem paper even without my laptop. i was exempted from two of my final exams. i was able to be with responsible and diligent groupmates for our com theory paper that we were able to submit it ahead of time. :)
aside from academic stuff, i have to be thankful also for my family and friends who i think is always there for me (never mind the cliche - i just cant find better words to express it) because of how busy i was in the past few weeks, i feel that i was neglecting so many things - so many people. i had no time to play the guitar, even no time to listen to music, no time to write anything on my journal, no time to write here, no time to spend time with blockmates, no time to reply to my parents' text messages asking me how i am, no time to talk with anyone, -- basically, no time to get out of my self-preoccupations. these things make me feel guilty, of course. oh well, that's the least i could do..
Posted by tengcorrea at 10/07/2004 08:05:00 PM
ive been eating really much lately because i feel there are just so many reasons for me to be depressed. (i dont know why and how it came to me that my eating habits always have to be determined with my depression.) here are the reasons why i experience 'depression' these days (hehe,. hell, what's this? a formal paper?)
1. i feel sooo stressed out with the many requirements for school for the past few weeks (take note: weeks, not days). so while reading the hand-outs, i rationalize that it is ok for me to eat and eat.. haha, connect?
2. nasira laptop ko so i cant do my papers at the dorm. wow, perfect timing, right? but in fairness, i have to thank god because at least, i was able to save the most important files on a floppy. but STILL.. it' s depressing :( definitely, i have to adjust to doing my papers in school or in internet cafes.
i want to write more rants here but unfortunately, i have to go for now because i have a group meeting at 430.
next time.
more sensible stuff.
