Saturday, June 16, 2007

On numbers and labels.

This entry is a product of previous week’s exhausting task of accomplishing my pre-employment requirements.

Life after school, which according to some, is the ‘real world’.

At some point, however, my initiation to that so-called real world made me think otherwise.

The previous week had been marked with the exhausting tasks of accomplishing my pre-employment requirements – i.e. getting a medical clearance, an NBI clearance, and SSS number.

I have had that experience: of allowing other people –

… test samples of what are inside me (literally);
… count how many times I breathe and how often my heart beats;
… dirty my fingers with that purple ink so that they can have a record of prints that are distinctively mine;
… give me that one number that’ll identify me for the rest of my life;
… question my identity due to a birth certificate (which, according to her, had my name printed unclearly).

And although I have told myself (since the start of this jobhunt) that this is not the best time to ‘philosophize’ – I believe the experience calls for it.

Other than my complaints about the sticky face and the bad bad hair (because for the past two months, each day is a bad hair day, hehe) – I’ve had these whiny thoughts on being objectified. But so as not to add up to the heat in the heads and the bodies (literally) of other souls lining up to be killed – by being enslaved in this system of alphanumerics and fingerprints – I decided to shut up and confine those rants in my head - but here, I shall write.

There is more to my person than:

… the counts of blood, bacteria, air, water, (and blah blah) that I have been carrying;
… the K-R-I-S-T-I-N-A that I carefully had to write in those boxes;
… the picture on my NBI clearance (in which I ironically look like a hardcore criminal);
… the pattern of lines on my fingers;
… those pieces of paper that are more worth believing than the person seen face-to-face.

I was being welcomed into this real world – and all they were interested in knowing were those realities farthest from the real person that I am.

It does not feel good letting other people define you less than who you really are. Better put, … less than who you believe to be who you really are.

But believing that you truly know who you are is dangerous. Because the moment you say you are this person – you just gave your self a number, a print, a record – that’ll determine and prove your existence, and/or essence.

And this is where the importance of being objectified comes in. For one, to understand that there is always more in every person; and it is that more which we continually struggle to discover in various interactions with others and the self – whether it be in a two-second glance with a stranger, or a 2-minute transaction with a woman behind a counter, or a summer fling, or year-long friendships, or the life-long talking to oneself.

Labels, numbers, identification documents – they call for a Relationship Check. In our dealings, try to realize how much of us we have actually revealed – to our selves and to other people; how much of our sub-realities we have faced, and have allowed other people to face as well.

Posted by tengcorrea at 6/16/2007 11:05:00 PM

0 comments Sunday, June 10, 2007

An Entry I Wrote The Other Night

June 7 2007

Dear Happiness:

I am so sorry I didn’t go after you tonight.

I knew where I wanted to be. But I also knew that getting there was not easy – it was unfamiliar, shady, and uncertain. So I made myself believe that I was actually thinking whether to go or not. I decided to do the latter. Because I was scared – scared of two things.

One, that something bad might happen along the way, and two, that the risk in One is not worth it.

Rewind last week - I was not scared then. And the following morning, despite an extreme headache, I knew that I was happy. Then I tried to look back and realized that I was happy then because I chose and did what I could do to be exactly where I wanted to be the night before – no matter how uncertain and dangerous it had been on the way.

Because although I knew clearly the First, I never thought of the Second.

And in the end, what did I get from all of this? It is one thing to want, and another to do something about it. It is one thing to want / desire happiness; and another to do as much as you can to have that happiness.

To sit by the window while looking at the world outside; and to go out that door and walk -
To want to be a writer, and to write -
To aspire of becoming famous; and to do a breakthrough -
To long to hear someone’s voice; and to call -
To dream; and to wake up to make that dream happen.

It is one thing to want, and another to do something about it. And most of the time, between in these two are grand gestures, giant leaps that involve risks, failure.

There is more to wanting. To want something is not enough.

We want; and when circumstances conspire to give us that chance to do something about this wanting – we miss it – because we hesitate. We make ourselves believe that we tried but deep inside, we know that we could have tried harder.

Posted by tengcorrea at 6/10/2007 10:00:00 AM

0 comments Saturday, June 09, 2007

People

I am tired of rejection. I am tired of failure. I am tired of presenting myself as an option, only to always end up being the one eliminated.

I am tired, very tired.

But whenever I feel like breaking down - the Higher Being has amazing ways of saving me.

... through those who remember me any time of the day;
... through those who die (Higher Being bless their souls)
... through those who disclose their loneliness to me;
... through those who lose grip of their expectations on me;
... through those who capture moments, emotions in words;
... through those who acknowledge my existence;
... through those who push me to think happy thoughts and to see that life is beautiful;
... through those who believe that God has a plan for me;
... through those who wish me to have a nice day each day and who hope that I am ok;

The Higher Being saves me through people. And in my current world of not much happiness, I survive.

..And I owe it to you. You know who you are.