Monday, January 26, 2009

Time to expose how I feel again, hehe

For the past year and a half, I felt I knew where I was going. Or better put, I felt as if I knew where I was going. It was not perfect – I was tired most of the time even then. I was complaining a lot. But then I felt how relief would always come in perfect timing. Simply because I have my person. (and no, it was not a boyfriend. Just a good friend.)

You know sometimes how someone can make you want to be a better person. You reflect on your principles, and you weigh them if some of them come in conflict with each other, until you realize what matters over what. You see how he sees life, and you want to try to look at things the way he does. You feel how he manages his relationships with other people he cares about, and you want to try to build yours in the same way.

So visually- I felt that I was facing a lot of unfamiliar roads, but then I felt brave enough to explore them because someone was reminding me how to keep my eyes open and be thankful for whatever surprise that could come our way.

Then all of a sudden, he left. Because I have become a burden. I suddenly realized that I’ve become so self-centered that I did not recognize that he has his own principles to think about, his life to see, and own relationships to keep. I was so self-centered that while I feel like being a better person with him, he felt the opposite. I make him wrong. I make him a bad person. I make him unfree. I make him feel unworthy of the beautiful relationship he has with someone else.

And so he left. And I feel sad. I feel lost. I feel that I have principles, perspectives and faith to review and rebuild if necessary – for me to be able to call them my own and not his. But amid the hurting and the damage, I do not hate him. And I probably never will.

Because he may have left me on this painfully unfamiliar road, but he left me pieces of principles, perspectives, and maybe courage to just keep my self going.