Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The 18th

It’s been three months since I told him. It was like the stating the obvious as I told him – but then I am glad to know that indeed he was surprised and was made happy with what I said.

The gift of expression- I can say I am happy that these days, someone is slowly making me learn how to re-unwrap this gift.For the past months until then, I felt that my feelings were better left unsaid. I was then afraid of being looked at as a wrecker, of my own indecisiveness. Now, I still am afraid but not so much on those things anymore. I am afraid of not saying it as frequent, of not doing things that would make up for such otherwise empty words. I want him to feel that I meant and still mean what I said on the 18th, three months ago.

Around last week, I thought I am going back to my cycle. I thought I am again starting to lose grip on people once I get the feeling that I am no longer as important to them as much as I initially felt or would have wanted to. But I was wrong. I was not losing grip. Quite the opposite, I think I have been holding on too tightly that I experience greater frustration with things that cannot be, of time that cannot be spent together. Tsk.

So now when I say those words again, I still mean them and I mean them more.