Sunday, September 23, 2007

Solo Flight. Solo Fight.

I hated Saturday nights but yesterday was an exception.

I was able to quietly unwind even if I had to spend it drinking alone in a place where I know no one and no one knows me (except the bar tender who recognized my face but I bet he doesn’t even know my name). Yes, I was alone, I drank alone; (and I would welcome frowns and violent reactions for that).

It would have been better of course to talk with any of the few people I trust but since these few people also have lives to live and to-do’s besides listening to my rants on a weekend night, I flew solo. And thank God, I flew light. I was able to unload some thoughts baggage. It just took two bottles of booze and two chicken rice meals (two consecutive – McChicken first, then McNuggets) to make me feel that waiting until half past 12 is ok. Hahah, ok, such a bland word. But yes, my waiting was ok. I was numb, happily waiting for something that I know is not coming,

This isn’t so new. Because for the past months, this is what I have been doing - waiting without knowing what it is exactly I am waiting for.

If I just wait for things to happen, then it is not true that I am a fighter. I don’t fight, I only wait for myself to get tired of waiting. Last Tuesday must have been the finale. And just as expected – whatever I am feeling – whether I say it or not – it doesn’t make any difference.