Friday, January 05, 2007

an (incomplete) year-ender

(i was too confident of my memory and writing capability that i thought i would be able to remember and capture beautifully some highlights - either thoughts or events - for each month last year. Hmm.. but I guess I overestimated myself. Haha, so please bear with this incomplete entry.)

January.

A relationship I thought would last forever ended. On that night, I had to accept the fact that no matter how hard we try to keep our commitments, we all come to a point when we have to decide to break them to free ourselves from pain.

Now: It never ended, or at least, that is how I want things to be. I still keep the promise I made to him; but given the present circumstances, it has to find its proper expression.

February.

The 14th of every month started to be a date to remember. It was a night of being hurt, and hurting someone. It was a night of waiting. Such waiting continued; and it was getting more and more painful as each month passed. The happy thought started to wane. The faith in a true love that can change the language of a person faded.

But now I realize that it is unfair to label someone as a “happy thought” because that renders him useless once he fails to meet your expectations;

and that true love is not only about changing a person to that person you want him to be. It involves accepting the person for who s/he was, is and will be. It is not about the other person becoming for you or you becoming for the other; it is becoming together.

March.

From where I fell, it was as if someone was unknowingly catching me – making me feel worthy of admiration, and care. Slowly, I am learning to reason out for someone else’s actions – just the way I want to story to progress – toward a happy ending.

But it turned out to be a story with too much of my point of view that it misses those of the other characters. Too much of itself. Selfish.

April.

People drift. They are like water; they come and go.

May - August: (hmm.. a lot of things actually happened during these months. unfortunately, too much emotions, too many events, that I was not able to write them down.)

September.
I realized how selfish I have been for the past months worrying about myself – my schoolwork, my relationships.

November.
What used to be a straight line is now just a dot. We all were trying to live separate lives. We all were moving on. I was trying. I did not know about them. But all I knew then was how much I wanted to know where I stand in these persons' live; and not only know, but learn to be happy where they choose to put me.

During those times when life seems to offer us not too many choices, it only gives us the chance to be brave – to choose those which we never thought we could.

December.

(there.)