Monday, October 02, 2006

there's the mean girl in me

Someone asked me who is he to me.

And here was what I said: I need you. Sa totoo lang, you are the person I need most right now and every time I am hurt. But you fail me, you always fail me
Boo. I think that was quite a hurtful and harsh piece. But I had been honest. And if from the very beginning, he believes that our relationship is all about being true to each other, then I guess I’m keeping his faith in what we share.

Hay.. It is this weird mood again, I guess.

I just came from our immersion presentation for Theology class; and I couldnt say whether this weird mood came from the fact that the points we raised were questioned by our teacher and we werent able to defend it too well. Hmm.. but I agree with him – that we needed to be more careful with the statements that we make.

Anyway, it all started when he asked me where I am because he had nothing to do. But that was before our presentation so I said that I was in school and we were to present. I got another message from him right after the presentation so when he asked again where I was that time, I replied that we were done reporting. Then he just said that we just go out as a sort of blow-out shit (whatever). That was it. But it really pissed me off.

Because he has always been like that. If he is f*king bored and he wants to be with someone who happens to be me, then why can’t he just go here? Why does he always make me want to go to him? Or that ok, we meet up halfway? Then thinking about it now, he was not texting me for the past two days because he didnt someone to be with him, right?

Yeah right, I know I sound pathetic because I am ‘demanding’ or whatever.

I told him while we were texting a while ago that I know who I am to him. Maybe I don’t really know. because in my mind, im still thinking of such f*cking demands.

(God, Im really annoyed. I couldn’t help but type the F word.)

***
One question that my Philo prof raised this morning was this: Mas madali ba ang mahalin o ang magmahal?

At first glance, it would have been easy for most people to say that it is easy to be loved. But I agree with the point my prof made: it is not that easy when you just do not understand the way that person loves you.

A parent may love his daughter by giving her curfews; while the daughter may see such love as overly protective and restricting. It happens as well that the way a person loves someone is by unloving (I think this is the theme of the film she is making us watch this Thursday).
I have been thinking what I would choose (if ever there is such a thing as choosing between the two so that I can be happy). But I think that for now, I choose not to choose. A corny answer, it is like being a voter and voting Abstain. It’s like ‘having an opinion’ – which is to be neutral.

And why would I want that choice? Because I want to be in the safe zone. Not in the sense that I am protecting my self from the pains that I could get (am getting) from loving and being loved. But I choose to protect myself from the hatred that most probably will come out (is coming out) once I understand – how I love and how others love me (or putting it in its inverse: how I cant love and how others can’t love me)

Or maybe because what I really want is to love and be loved back in a way that I understand. Such a dream. Very romantic.

In the situations I am in right now, that is hope in its most impure sense:
umaasa ako na… mamahalin mo rin ako. What makes it more impure is: umaasa ako na .. mamahalin mo rin ako.. sa ganitong paraan.
Grrr.. I sound really bad, right?