Monday, May 08, 2006
stay
After not seeing each other for weeks, I feel happy that I got to spend time with a friend yesterday.
At first, I felt that he has changed. Something which I couldnt explain - maybe it is the way he talks, the way he delivers his 'hirits' to me; or maybe at the back of my mind, I know that he sees me differently now. (am i flooding you again with vague statements?), or maybe it is just his (fling) stories which are foreign to me.
And since I am too honest with him (and i came to a point when i just hated myself for being
that honest with him - that i don't filter what i say even if it is gonna hurt him or me.. going back..) - i told him that he seems different. Then, I realized that yes, he just
seems changed but he's not (and i mean that on a positive note). Because during the next minutes of us being together, i could feel that i could see him again, and I hope he could see me as well.
... because i find it so hard to explain myself these days. I hate explaining why i said this or that, why i did something, why i feel that way. I hate explaining to anyone. I hate explaining to myself.
So i do hope that even if I wasn't able to express myself that clearly to him, i hope that through my presence, through my decision to see him, through the ways i allow myself to be the real me while with him, through the few tears i shed - i hope he knows what i have been wanting to say all this time. That it is not as simple as "let's get back together and make things work again" or "let's just live our own lives, forgetting everything that we had and still have". It is not as simple as yes or no; not black or white; not love or hate; not him, you or any other guy.
I guess it is not as simple as those things. but
it is simple. Stay - even if that would mean continuously hurting or annoying each other. I want him to stay because as selfish as this may sound, there is a part of me that only he can understand; there's a certain happiness that only he can give; there's a certain sadness that only he can give.
And i know that with the way things are going (at least, until yesterday) between the two of us, we are slowly hurting one another. False hope. Expectations. Stories that hurt. Imagine holding a rose whose stem is full of thorns. It pricks your hand and so it bleeds, but you want the rose so badly you want to keep it in your hand and instead of letting go, your grip gets tighter. The more pain it gives you, the more you want it, the more you find it beautiful, the more you realize its worth.
whew. dont try to understand. i'm babbling.
Posted by tengcorrea at 5/08/2006 11:02:00 AM
0 comments
