Sunday, January 22, 2006

i attended my philo class wearing shades this morning - because i was trying to hide my eyes -which shed lots of tears last night . hmm.. for reasons i want to avoid remembering now. i might cry again. just a side story - my prof even noticed and so he said "tingnan mo itsura ni teng, parang tang-ina, anong ginagawa ko dito?! im too good for this class! para kang si jessica alfaro." hmm.. konek? point is: i looked (and probably still look) that harassed.

but that's ok. because i am. i am so tired of everything. i am so tired of life. i am so tired of myself. i wish i could just sleep.. and sleep.. and sleep.. until God decides that "aahh.. she is not making much sense to my gift to her. it is time i get it." of course, such thoughts are BAD. i have no right to anticipate, (and even think) what God would probably think.

but i just said, and i do not want to take it back. i wish God could just do me that very big favor despite the fact(s) that i don't pray, that i find it hard to go to mass, that i think no one loves me, no one cares, no one respects me.

my last phrases could be true. could be false. but one thing i know: i am tired of expecting and i would like to TRY to stop expecting other people to love me, care for me, or respect me because I don't to those things to myself. How can I expect people to love me when i dont show them that i deserve such?

last night. i had to give up the last person i have been holding on to these hard days because i feel no more ..
love, respect. it is as if the very person i EXPECT to listen, to understand, does not do so anymore. it is as if my every tear is just another tear, my every sob just another sob - which i all make up. if i cry now, it doesnt matter because i always do - for no reason. so even if today when i do have reasons, he wouldnt feel the gravity, and thus would feel no desire, or need at least to make it all float or even make it just a bit lighter.