Saturday, September 03, 2005

i just had the most awful realization that i love -- in the unhealthiest way.

sorry, please bear with the love topic once again. but it is just that this is mainly what has been bothering me these days.

i'd really love to share so much of my thoughts on this but as learned in Philo, there are certain experiences that one just couldnt easily express. this is not fear of disclosure or opening of self but probably because the experience is so deep and complex that words alone cannot transmit the experience in its entirety.

i know. i know. i dont seem to make sense.

but trying to put it simply -- although i really do not want to do this sana because i would be subject to several possible misinterpretations.

when i really love, i am possessive. i am selfish. i want the world to be just me and that person i love.

i know it is against the biblical definition of love. i know it is against the definition of true love. but this is my definition. and this explains it all why i am isolating myself from everyone- even from the very person ive always wanted to be closest to - even if, again, it is killing me.. slowly.

the more i try to protect myself from getting hurt, the more i get hurt. the more i deny to myself that i can love THIS much, the more it gets into me that "yes, i can" and "yes, i do."