Monday, July 18, 2005

hmm.. i dont know how to start this entry because you might wonder how things could happen too fast.. but here it is: it is not yet over (that doesnt mean though that i want myself (you, as well) to forget / disregard the entry before this -- that stands on its own; that came from my heart and that is also important because without that, there would be no 'this') haha, i hope i am not confusing you that much..

it is not yet over.. after all the tears i've cried (yeah!), it is not the end of it all. but dont get me wrong that i regret those tears and pain ha.. (haha.. my thoughts are so disjointed, i am sorry) --those things made me .. oh well, no matter how cliche'ish this may sound -- stronger and somewhat better.. :)

wait, let me just narrate to you what happened even if im not sure how he is gonna react to this if i make this too detailed... haha.. anyway, he doesnt know about this so.. ok lang, i guess..

on july 12, i tried to keep myself busy so that i would not think of our problem.. (yes, my escapist tendencies). at the dorm, i was reading in advance my eco book. but it wasnt working because no matter how much i try to suppress all the hurt and confusion i was feeling, i just couldnt. so i decided to go to the room next to ours. i told my dormmate friend belle that i would just read there because i wanted the noise of the radio. but of course, i was lying. .because the truth was -- i just needed the feeling the existence of other person -- even if that person doesnt know how i was feeling or the turmoil i was having inside.

but i couldnt keep it all. because after a few minutes of faking it, i blurted out to her what was wrong. and then it all came out - the tears, the story of what happened the night before and even the beautiful stories i had to share (which by the way, made me smile --bittersweet-- from time to time, in between sobs..) and my friend listened, said some words of advice. .but the most important thing was that she was there so i felt less alone..

the major question was: what am i to do? and the answer then was: nothing.. (i was the one who decided and i had to stick to what i said.) i can't do anything else but wait.. and expect nothing but the worst -- that he is just gonna accept my decision and we live our separate ways. i didnt receive any text from him the whole day except his reply that he could not make it to the PInoy/Blonde premiere that night when i texted him that he still had the slot for one pass.

and so we move on to that Pinoy/Blonde premiere night..

even if i was so not in the mood to go out and pretend everything's perfectly fine-- i had to go to the premiere because i've already set an appointment with two of my high school friends sherwin and pupung. both seemed excited to go and so i just couldnt cancel it. so at around 530, i met up with sherwin in gateway mall.

after less than a minute since i arrived, sherwin said he'd just buy something. so he stood up and i saw him standing near the BTIC kiosk (?) . after quite some time, he handed me a coffee yogurt ice cream.. (the act was weird, by the way) although he said immediately that it is from him (that someone i had been referring to in the past few entries) . of course, that made things better a bit because i thought what he did was sweet. he knows that i'm addicted to ice cream these days and i love coffee flavor because when we were out together once, that was what i got. so, honestly, i thought that was his way of saying that he was not giving up and that he wanted us to talk and try to fix things up.

BUT.. i felt sad when sherwin handed me my wrist watch which he borrowed, which for me, was his way of saying that he is not gonna see me again - well, at least, in the next days, because if he intends to, he should have given that to me personally. i had to hold back my sadness.. and yeah, some tears.. because you know, im in a public place..

we headed off to megamall as soon as pupung arrived. pupung was so 'cutely' clueless because he kept on asking me where baba is (he even said the word with the wrong stress which made it sound like the chin). sherwin and i just shared this 'yeah-we-know-one-thing-which-the-poor-guy-with-us-doesnt' look. then, we would jokingly said that he is in my heart or in my pocket..haha.. jerks.

on the way there, i was surprised when he texted sherwin that he could go to the premiere. something inside of me lit up -- haha, (weird..) because the thought of possibly seeing him seemed enough to make me happy. haha, that's crap, i know, and real keso. (haha, maybe, i am being too honest here)

and so i saw him. and i really cant discern what is in him that is so different. because when i saw him, he is able to make it appear that nothing is wrong.. well, it is not like he is escaping or not wanting to face the real situation but it is more of how lightly he handles it. we understood and both accepted that it was over but he didnt seem that worried. hmm.. just realizing this now, most likely, it is because we know that even if then it no longer was official, so to speak, NOTHING HAD REALLY CHANGED of how we feel for each other.. and as long as that is the case --we need not worry that much because things would eventually fall into place. :)

i dont wanna go into full detail of what happened; of how we fixed the 'problem'.but it wasnt something really dramatic. that's weird...

i just wish we do keep our words to try to change. haha, those two things.