Tuesday, October 26, 2004

the saddest part of life is living without realizing the meaning of your existence.

i do not really know if a famous person or a philospher actually said this. all i know is that this is what i have been pondering on for the past two days.

it all started last sunday night, when i got back here in manila after my so-called sembreak (i was in baler for like less than a week.. what-ta-break. hay.) . again, for reasons i could not identify, sadness crept into me. this time, though, i guess it was a different kind of sadness. my dark emotions were probably the worst that i could not help but cry -- and once i started, i could not stop. in our quiet room, my sobs were all i could hear.

if i was crying, there certainly had to be reasons. however, being the type of person who could not figure out the reasons for the things happening in my life, these reasons remain obscure - so many PROBABLYs..

for one, probably, i was just homesick. i guess it is normal for me to miss home and my family after spending only a few days in the province. i probably just wanted to escape from the dreary fact that sembreak is halfway and i have no other choice but to go back to school - back to my monotonous life.

but probably not. because in the days i had spent there, my life was boring also. those days were lazy which i oddly didnt like myself. it is weird but i hated just lying on the sofa, switching on the channels, not knowing but exactly to watch or do.

probably, i was feeling very much alone and lonely that night. my roommates were not yet there. there was no one on the room next to ours. the few others seemed asleep already because the dorm was so quiet - no movements.

again, true but not quite much. i realized that i wasnt 'specially' / unusually lonely that night because in the past years, i have always been (or at least i think i am) alone and lonely. especially when i got to college, i feel how i have always chosen to allow my social life to suffer. that is, i distance myself from other people, not in the sense that i wouldnt speak to anyone or hate people, but it is more of the failure to establish and nourish relationships with people. for the past two years, i have met new friends - real nice people who would always treat me as a friend even if i dont talk that much, disclose much of myself and spend enough time with them. i have kept my old friends still - my high school friends who still keep in touch with me through text messages which i most of the time was not able to reply to because i am always 'busy'. and of course, there's my family - my parents who never get tired of asking me how i am doing even if i keep on texting to them just 'ok' messages (which are oftentimes hints that i am not interested to text) :(

probably, i feel that i am such a failure. i looked at myself in the mirror and noticed that i have become fat in less than a week. i noticed my chubby cheeks. my arms have grown wider (and i have the tape measure to say that to my face). i have lost my discipline. i could not go on with my 'cut down on calories' diet anymore. before going home, my plan was that i would try to normalize my eating habits by having three meals days - but making sure that i eat just little carbo, more protein and do more exercise. but that plan was useless because for the past days, i have been binge eating - with my uncontrollable appetite and intense desire for that tasty bread, cheese, choco jam and (take this) powdered milk and sugar. i couldnt stop myself from eating until my stomach feels soo full (im telling you, my waist line even reached 28)

with those PROBABLYs, i realized that the biggest problem is that i am not happy. 'being happy' may sound simple or easy to other people but i am talking here of the feeling in the deeper level, so to speak. it is happiness that's more than just the feeling, it is one's own sense of contentment, of being complete, of self-acceptance.

one's happiness does not depend on where the person is. before the sem break, i was so excited to go home to baler because i believed that i would be happier there -where i could be with my family, see my old friends, rest, be lazy, watch cable TV. but when i was in baler already, i could not say/feel i was happy - really happy that is. i guess that just means that i am not happy anywhere because i am not happy within myself. i have always felt alone though there are many people around who care about me (though at times, i may not feel it). i have always felt insecure about the way i look, about my body -- so i am so scared to be fat.

i am unhappy. so what do i do?

commit suicide?
no. i am weak - not strong enough to do such a 'brave' act (which is paradoxically a sign of cowardice also). plus, i would not want to die unhappy (like most people, i think, do)

cry?
tears wont give me the contentment, the security, the thinness i want ( crying wont let me lose those extra pounds, right?)

... pray ...
i know it's a very catholic/christian answer. (hey, i am catholic). but at that very moment, that's what i decided to do. i did not find the answers right away; most things remained PROBABLYs to me, but at least, i got to spoke to someone - someone whom i have been forgetting to talk to recently - GOD. if there is GOd, then i am not / never alone. and knowing the existence of God leads me back to the essence of my own existence. i am existing because of Him and for Him. and if i could decipher the mystery of how i could exist for Him, then i would no longer be unhappy.

"search, teng."