Thursday, August 19, 2004

I am scared.

After having read in our psych textbook that people who engage themselves in restrained diets tend to eat more / binge once they have decided to quit the diet.

Shoot. That’s what precisely is happening to me these days. After having that discipline for the past few weeks of eating only in small amounts twice a day, I am now losing grip on that discipline. If before, I get satisfied (or at least I think I do get satisfied) by skipping breakfast, eating only hopia o sandwich for lunch and an apple for dinner (trying to avoid in-between meals), now, I just can’t control all my cravings for waffle, ice cakes, buchi and wheat bread. Arghh.. these foods are heavy, you see and rich in carbo – not very ideal for someone who doesn’t want to get fat.

However, the problem is not WHAT I eat. I mean it’s ok to eat these foods as long as I know how to eat in moderation, right? But unfortunately, I don’t. I binge. Once I tried to open a whole pack of wheat bread, I eat as much as I could, up to the point that my stomach feels so full. I feel upset but I couldn’t stop myself from eating until there’s nothing left to eat. I could eat eight slices of wheat bread in one seating.

Then I get depressed. Some people witness how I can suddenly shift from a somehow elated mood to a gloomy one. At one time, I can be very cheery and talkative then after eating, I tend to just get quiet.

And the worst of all depressions comes when I am alone. During those times, I wish I could just talk to anyone personally and just tell that person that “hey, im depressed. I know it’s odd but it’s because I just ate.” That person might not understand me really but at least, I could release my depression, right?

The problem with me is that I am such an emotional eater. I eat every time Im feeling bored, depressed, alone or every time I am doing or reading something I cant seem to understand. I even have more control of not eating when im hungry. That makes me, I guess, what they call an “emotional eater”. It is dangerous, you see. Because I am greatly prone to obesity especially naturally being the type of person who is usually either alone, depressed or laden with school stuff to doS.

And I dont want to be fat.

Everytime I say this to other people, they often blurt out that im too thin already and that even if I eat much, I wouldn’t get really fat. yeah, that’s probably true. but since I started getting too conscious about my weight, my body rather, particularly my arms, my concern isn’t just about getting fat, as in fat. what I want is to be thin, really thin. And so even if people tell me that I am too thin (that was then, by the way, im starting to get fat again now. God, it depresses me) that I look so frail and pale already; that it no longer looks healthy with my bones already protruding.

So I want to modify my statement. I dont want to get fat.

you see, I believe theres a major difference between getting fat and being fat. I want the way my body to be the thinnest it can possibly be – even if it sometimes scares me if I look in the mirror and could almost see my ribs and pelvic bone and other bones beneath the skin; even if it sometimes worries me the possibility that my gall bladder or my liver or my digestive track or whatever organs or body systems might fail and stop working. Of course, I care about those things. But I seem to care more on getting thin.

Sometimes if I think about it, I cant find the answers WHY in the first place do I want to be thin. I do not (and probably cant) make people admire me by being thin. I do not (and probably cant) make people believe in me by being thin. I do not (and probably cant) make people love me by being thin.

Probably then, I want to get thin (or thinner) because I just want to - because I am happy with it. but am I really happy with it? just how happy? am I happy depriving myself of the innate satisfaction people normally get from food? am I happy that after eating, guilty feelings creep through me? I don’t know. Happiness maybe really entails a lot of sacrifice and depression.

I am in an elusive world where I continuously seek for that happiness which as of now, seems centered on the physical – on vanity. In my elusive world, I don’t know whether to start or to stop. And if ever I do, I do not know where and how.

^^^
FOOD makes me cry. FOOD makes me wanna throw up. but I just couldn’t. that's what makes it most depressing. :(