Monday, July 12, 2004

I am scared of getting fat.

There is said it. I admitted it.

I just realized recently that something really is wrong with me when it comes to the way I see myself – my physical self (yeah right, my body), that is and consequently then, with my eating habits.

I hate how I am these days. I hate it when I am too conscious of what I eat. I am more afraid that the people around me hate it more or hate me for being such a vain bitch – whose concerns are almost all about getting thin, diet, blah blah. It is also possible that some pity me for I seem to be missing the ‘goodness of life’, so to speak by depriving myself of all the delicious, tempting foods. They may also pity me if they think that I am having psychological problems, looking at me as someone who thinks that wholeness as a person could only be achieved by ‘being thin’.

If some people pity me, I pity myself more than they do. Every second of my consciousness, it’s like I am in an inner battle in which I am one of the enemies. I fight the urge to eat because I don’t want to get fat. At the same time, another part of me questions why I am scared of getting fat. then I try to rebuke that thought that I am really scared because I don’t want to believe or entertain the idea that something is or might be wrong with me –with the way I see myself.

If I decide not to eat, then I win my first battle. Unfortunately though, I more often lose in that battle for I find myself eventually eating, not just when I am hungry, but once I had the craving or every time I just feel sad or depressed or stressed out (I am such an emotional eater L). Once that happens, there comes the tougher battle. I start to get really depressed and guilty that I have eaten. Fighting the inner depression is more difficult, I must say. In this part, the feeling of helplessness comes in, for I feel that I cant do anything to make the foods I ate out of my body again. The idea of inducing myself to vomit comes into me. But I just can’t. that would be being bulimic. I am not bulimic. I don’t want to be. My PLAN B would be to drink beer because it could make me ‘naturally’ throw out everything I ate. There is no guarantee to this, however. It only worked for me twice or thrice, I think.

i am tired with all this.