i_write_here

How I spent my 23rd birthday

2009-03-25T14:29:00.000-07:00

Turning 23 on Quattro

On the night of the 20^th, I was so drained at the office trying to finish some parts of the deck supposedly due on that day but was extended the following day. Oh well, I just had to spend the whole day worrying whether the signatory of our visa document could sign so I can immediately ‘throw’ our applications out of my hand that I was not able to really work on what I was paid to do for that day, hehe.

So –I had my plans of going to my friend Apple’s wedding or meeting up with my friend Ye so we can have some little celebration. The latter pushed through, thank goodness. Thanks to my friends Ye and Lowell who really found time for me (awww..). They decided to meet up in Quattro already while I was working no-heartedly at the office. From time to time, I was checking up on them if they’re still more or less ok.

At around 9pm, I called it a day at the office, rode the tricycle, went to Quattro and saw Lowell and Francis. Wah. I went ahead of Ye pa pala, who anyway, came after around 15 minutes. We drank our muchos, asked Ye to choose our food (since she is the only one in the ‘gang’ who is not really a ‘manginginom’ so we gave her the honor of choosing whatever solid food we’re taking in our stomachs).

Madelle was on her way too. I initially thought it was coincidence that she was inviting me to Quattro also a few minutes earlier, but I found out from Francis that he texted her. Hehe, she did not know most likely that it was my pre-birthday small get-together.

So Madelle arrived, and sometime later --- Asi and Sherwin. Wah.. I was really surprised. Surprised in a good way, that is. =) I have more ‘visitors’ than expected. Three or four rounds of mucho mug, of toasting, kampais – then we were all set to go. Went to Starbucks after, had our extra sweet fraps (hmmm. coffee as post-beer drink, doesn’t work for me), extra sweet cakes (waahh.. how come everything seems to taste extra sweet after beer. Grr). Then went home. And upon waking up in the morning, I saw that my bag was loaded with white and brown sugars from Starbucks. Haha, gagong mga iyon. But when I asked them – those were my gifts to me. Para sweet. Engk engk. (kings and queen of corny-ness).

The 21st

So I spent the 21^st alone. Really. I could bask in the loneliness of that thought but then I had all those text messages to keep me sane the entire day. =) To everyone who remembered my birthday and took time to let me know that they did in whatever medium they have (SMS, YM, and social networking sites), thank you very very much.

And I had my hair cut and dyed. Hehe, I have been wanting to do this for months already and I made it happen on my birthday. Yey! But I kind of regret it now- because I look like a tomboy. Not that I have anything against tomboys. I just don’t think the boyish look fits me.

So I did some grocery (ugh, birthday or not, weekends are my errands day), received a video greeting from Mother Goose, Pop and Ayks (who made this funny remark “ano sasabihin ko?”), went home, waited for some friendly soul to save me from my birthday misery (just kidding) and ask me to go out or something (hmm. I am really not the ‘you’re invited to my birthday’ kind of person plus I don’t have a planned celebration also). Then eventually, I decided to go to this Meralco event Lowell had been talking to me about weeks back.

It turned out to be real fun! =p I was again an ampon because I was with Lowell’s friends from Mapua. Kuya John Lloyd was there also. Beer. Yey! Fireworks. Yey! And tons of aerobics dancing to burn those fats and beer belly away. It was really fun. Hay.. I had some videos of us grooving to 70s/80s songs. Haha, it was definitely a break from those gigs I usually go to wherein I just quietly sip my beer and let the noise drown my thoughts away. Sobrang makulit lang, haha. Plus the guys are really ‘game’ with the dancing and all, even the sun dance (if you’ve seen A Very Special Love and You Changed my Life, you will understand what I am talking about). [I’ve uploaded some videos here, just the less dizzying ones. I just realized how bad of a vidcam handler I can be, hehe =p.

Then we went to grab some pizza (yey! My Yellow Cab craving already satisfied) and burned those pizza calories away by laughing our hearts out at those alamat jokes of Lowell and Kuya Buge. Then home sweet home. I was dead tired from all those dancing. =p

Howkey – So I am having a really hard time trying to end/sum up this entry. But I guess what made this birthday special-ly happy is how I celebrated it with various people with whom I share differing degrees of relationships. (wow, that sounded weird). But yeah – I had a night with really good high school friends. I had a day with my self, my at peace self, with the salon stylists who just had so much to say about hair and coloring (believe me, the team who did my hair unusually really talked a lot. Most likely because the branch just opened up and they do not have much customers to talk with the entire day) plus of course, the virtual presence of everyone who texted, Facebook greeted me. I had a night with friends of my good friend, and hundreds of strangers but who came to one single place to simply have fun and act crazy.

There was no one primary party as I used to have when I was young. But there was a series of mini-parties with really beautiful people. And it made my birthday a really beautiful one.

50 First Reactions

2009-03-11T02:11:00.000-07:00

Got this 'thing' from Tita Teret's facebook but since until now, I still don't 'get' Facebook (hehe) and I am too lazy to learn how to post ala blog there, I just copied it here. Hehe, deviant. Killing the fun. But anyway - I'm bored and this seems fun so I shall proceed (wahhh.. I talk too much, right? =p)

This is called 50 FIRST REACTIONS... type what comes to your mind FIRST whenever you hear these 50 words. Don't think and don't go back and change. Doesn't matter how random just type it! Repost it for all of your friends.

1. Beer: Red Horse!!
2. Food: potato corner's sour cream flavored fries. yum. i eat these every day.. well, except today (hmm.. I wonder why. Maybe I was too preoccupied trying to keep myself awake the entire day)
3. Relationships: make us all human. (whoa,.bigat. now I could not explain what I meant by that. First reaction nga eh, hehe =p)
4. Your CRUSH: Jericho! (grr. and my friend from the office shared the elevator with him today. huhu,inggit ako)
5. Power Rangers: Pink Five (Power Ranger ba yun. hmm.. now I feel like humming the Sillent Sanctuary song).
6. Life: sucks! haha, just kidding. Life is... (wahh.. how come I could not think of anything else.)
7. The President: Charo. haha =p
8. Yummy: pizza. craving, hehe.
9. Cars: movie? Is there a movie entitled 'Cars' or am I inventing? haha
10. Movie: Almost Famous! my ultimate favorite
11. Halloween: pumpkin. and I so I remember the pumpkin lollipop I got from Japan. umiilaw siya kaya natatakot akong kainin hahaha. I'm giving it as gift to the ants. Now I wonder why I bought it.
12. Sex: drugs, rock and roll. Haha, talk about cliches.
13. Religion: is a very dangerous word. Some people get offended when you call their faith 'religion'.
14. Hate: happens.
15. Fear: feardom - the antithesis of freedom
16. Marriage: is beautiful. (awwww.. there's the romantic in me. It takes a lot of courage to commit a lifetime with someone, right?)
17. Blondes: cheerleaders? haha, stereotypes.
18. Slippers: no to slims. i've learned my lesson.
19. Shoes: yellow shoes!!
20. Asians: Koreans, of course. I have this thing with Koreans, you know, hehe =)
21. Pasttime: drinking, wahahaha
22. One night stand: fun. haha, not for me. I guess for those who do it - for them, it seems fun... and hot. I would not know now. haha
23. My cell Phone: smells like coffee now. I spilled coffee on it a few minutes ago.
24. Smoke: hair. I love the smell of smoke on my hair for some weird reason. I like it better if the smell becomes stronger after shampooing =p
25. Fantasy: beach! tayo na sa beach. tananantantantan.
26. College: ateneo (? haha why not?)
27. Highschool Life: oh my high school life. This is a song, right?
28. Pajamas: sleep. zzzz.
29. Stars: someone. haha, reminded me of someone I star-gazed with
30. Fitness Center: Fitness First ! Brings back baaadd memories. Ang kulit nila! wahahah
31. Alcohol: beer. This is my third time to mention beer in this 50 firsts, hehe.
32. The word love: kills love's essence.
33. Friends: are blessings.
34. Money: Friends with Money. I think it's a film? Aniston?
35. Heartache: Heartaches. plural. (teng in emo mode. hehe, shut up)
36. Time: waiting. i hate waiting
37. Divorce: is a promise broken.
38. Dogs: dino. =( i miss dino. It's been a looong time since I had a pet since dino died.
39. Undies: weekends. i wash them on weekends. labo
40. Parents: mother goose! tawag ko sa nanay ko, haha =p
41. Babies: not now. haha. =p
42. Ex: ex-boyfriends = good boy friends. my proven theory.
43. Song: undercover lover. yikee.
44. Color: yellow. currently my favorite color.
45. Weddings: beach! I want my wedding held by the beach.
46. Pizza: waaaah... how dare you remind me of my craving! Yellow Cab!
47. Hangout: freedom bar and drowned thoughts.
48. Resto: the old spag house. and their yummy pesto
49. Goal: to travel

50. Inspiration: where are you? haha. you have to find me as soon as you can, ok?

NOW'S YOUR TURN... :D

►►

2009-03-03T19:33:00.000-08:00

Fast forward. If only there is a button I could press so that my days move faster, until it reaches a point when I get to rest, when all these thoughts get replaced by less painful ones, when I can say “I’m ok” and really mean it.

I manage to survive each day believing that that day is to come. I don’t know when or how or whether I am bound to just wait for that day or help myself (but how – I don’t know).

►►. Please. And please – when I get to that day, allow me to pause.

100% ranting - never mind

2009-02-23T22:40:00.000-08:00

I really hate my life right now - my personal life, work. ugh. Everything seems wrong, Everything is wrong. Even this - this ranting - is wrong.

Damn it. Ugh. I am at the office right now and I just want to scream. Or cry. Or do something to just get rid of this annoying mood I am in. And I choose to write. Before I scream. Before I cry.

I am trying to concentrate in this writing. I dont care that I have tons of writing (or rewriting, better put) to do. I hate this. I hate. I hate. I hate.

Restlessness

2009-02-18T13:31:00.000-08:00

Again - this restlessness. I am worried over something that I do not know about yet. =( '

Damn it. Are they ok again? So I go back to invisibility.

This is worse

2009-02-15T16:24:00.000-08:00

I realized last night that I am way more better at handling my own pains than bearing the pain of someone I love.

My friend is wrong --- the "best friend plan" is not going to work. I just do not think I can be there for him when he is that deeply hurt because of someone else.

Since when did gratitude become this unwanted? I do not want your "thank you". I do not want your appreciation for me being there. I do not know what I want from you.

I do not want you anymore. But you are still here. And until you are here, I will naturally always -- always be there for you. Even if I hate that sad look, even I want to shut my ears from your stories, even if I hate it when you say my name.

A Valentine entry three years ago

2009-02-11T18:17:00.000-08:00

A Valentine entry three years ago --

I had the best valentine's day ever..

you might immediately think that it is because i spent it with a boyfriend or what.. but not really. it was just that i feel that everything (the happy and the sad) that happened yesterday simply fit together.

i feel so loved by many people -

the people who greeted me a 'happy hearts' day' through text - krixie, jam, khia, bers, luthgard, kb;

the korean kids in the dorm who gave me chocolates (i think it was not their tradition but they did it anyway);

the stranger in the mall who was my company while i was waiting for someone (my instant date);

my mother who sent me this very sweet message - "Hapi Valentine's Day!!! Wo ai ni! Take care. 4 me u r d most perfect and beautiful girl in d whole world." it might sound cheesy but coming from someone who have seen and felt the worst of me, the monster in me, and yet accepted me (the unconditional love of a mother, precisely) - such words are just the sweetest they almost made me cry;

tal with whom i share my happy and not-so-happy thoughts, to whom i can confess my 'unreasonable' joys and pains, without fear of being judged; her negative plus my negative equals a positive. One sees the other cry without really understanding why. because sometimes reasons need not be known, right? One can understand without really knowing why;

he - whose presence, little acts and funny messages make me smile, he who i wait to see everyday, he who i like to remain a joke (sounds bad, huh?)so that it would not hurt; (but yes, it sort of did cause me pain already)

vee-jay, my baba - for the pain and the happiness; for the 'surprise' which i and the circumstances again spoiled but that which is still very much appreciated.

ahh.. happiness. sometimes the belief, the conviction that one is loved.

So why am I posting this? Because inspired by a quote from Murakami -

"You know what I think?" she says. "That people's memories are maybe the fuel they burn to stay alive. Whether those memories have any actual importance or not, it doesn't matter as far as the maintenance of life is concerned.”

-- I think the 2006 happy blog entry is a fuel. It is what I’d like to call an anesthetic fuel. So that no matter what happens this “i-hate-it-because-it-is-so-commercialized-yet-it-affects-me-anyway” event, I will have fuel to burn. To keep me warm. To keep me believing. To keep me sane on that impending another yet extra cursed Saturday night.

Time to expose how I feel again, hehe

2009-01-26T14:03:00.000-08:00

For the past year and a half, I felt I knew where I was going. Or better put, I felt as if I knew where I was going. It was not perfect – I was tired most of the time even then. I was complaining a lot. But then I felt how relief would always come in perfect timing. Simply because I have my person. (and no, it was not a boyfriend. Just a good friend.)

You know sometimes how someone can make you want to be a better person. You reflect on your principles, and you weigh them if some of them come in conflict with each other, until you realize what matters over what. You see how he sees life, and you want to try to look at things the way he does. You feel how he manages his relationships with other people he cares about, and you want to try to build yours in the same way.

So visually- I felt that I was facing a lot of unfamiliar roads, but then I felt brave enough to explore them because someone was reminding me how to keep my eyes open and be thankful for whatever surprise that could come our way.

Then all of a sudden, he left. Because I have become a burden. I suddenly realized that I’ve become so self-centered that I did not recognize that he has his own principles to think about, his life to see, and own relationships to keep. I was so self-centered that while I feel like being a better person with him, he felt the opposite. I make him wrong. I make him a bad person. I make him unfree. I make him feel unworthy of the beautiful relationship he has with someone else.

And so he left. And I feel sad. I feel lost. I feel that I have principles, perspectives and faith to review and rebuild if necessary – for me to be able to call them my own and not his. But amid the hurting and the damage, I do not hate him. And I probably never will.

Because he may have left me on this painfully unfamiliar road, but he left me pieces of principles, perspectives, and maybe courage to just keep my self going.

Baler

2009-01-09T13:59:00.000-08:00

“Sa Baler, nagsimula ang isang kuwento ng pag-ibig.”

The opening line of the movie Baler spells quite a strong promise of a love story. Indeed, it was a love story, but unlike your typical love stories that naturally highlight the romantic thrill, Baler gives us a dose of the love that we have for every human being – even if they are called enemies at the time of war. Indeed, as the movie line says it, this “love is worth fighting for” – because we struggle to keep this love even if it sometimes conflicts with our concepts of freedom, loyalty, and love for life.

For those with kilig expectations for this movie, they need to be toned down, I suppose. Neither Jericho-Anne nor the Nikki-Mark on-screen chemistry is vivid. If you are a Jericho fan (like me!!), that superficial romantic thrill is a given. But in my opinion, the couples had no giant gestures of love, thus their love may be true but it was not great. And at the time of war, and given their circumstances, I was hoping for a great love.

BUT the movie highlights a greater love. It is the love for every human being amidst the set-up of a war where people are supposed to kill, to shoot, in the name of whoever for a whatever purpose perceived to be noble. Because at the end of the day, we look at the individual rather than the troop we are supposed to kill. Feliza loved Celso because she looked at him not as a soldier but as a person. Gabriel (Carlo Aquino) stayed with the Spanish soldiers because he was loyal to a person.

The Acting

Jericho is well …. very himself – the intense actor that he is known for. Probably the reason why he did not bag the Best Actor awards. Maybe the judges are looking for something positively different – which to be fair to him, he was able to deliver in certain scenes of the movie, especially during the “Bravo meal”.

Philip Salvador who played the father to Feliza and Gabriel rightfully deserves the Best Supporting Actor award. It was very evident how he shifts from being a man whose sound hatred toward the Spaniards influences how he lives his life (and wants his children to live theirs too), to a father with an innate love for his children (and grandchild later on).

Anne’s acting was good – in the sense that her movements and facial expression sometimes make me forget that her being mestiza should have been a consideration before they gave her the role. But she was able to pull it off. It is just that maybe, I expected more than the ‘in-love’ and the worried look – especially since she is the Best Actress.

The Lighting

I watched the making of the movie, and one of the pride of the movie is its lighting, which they tried to look as natural or raw as possible. To that I agree plus I love the contrast of the bluish tone of the inside of the church versus the lush greens of the outside, not to mention the red orange tinge that sets the romantic mood during Feliza and Celso’s time alone together.

I guess I was late

2008-12-26T03:37:00.000-08:00

I was late :( Less than a hour past the knock-on-wood entry, I found out that it is happening. Oh well, sometimes we do not get our Christmas wish, our one great Christmas wish, right? Especially if is are not meant for us.

It is not meant for me. I should have accepted this exactly 3 months ago.

Knock on wood. Quite anti-Christmas (sorry)

2008-12-25T21:51:00.000-08:00

I do not know where this fear is coming from, but suddenly, I am scared. It's this weird feeling as if an unwanted surprise (is "surprise" even the right word?) is yet to come. Well, it happened exactly a year ago, and there is a big possibility that it is gonna happen again this year. (Then Baler would no longer be mine. Please don't. Not another loss).

Grr. I don't mean to spoil the Christmas (& New Year) spirit but I feel that I just have to write this down. Because just as this superstition goes that when you've had any dream that signifies any unwanted event in real life, you've got to tell it to as many people as possible. O ikagat mo sa kahoy. Or you knock on wood. Well, whatever. But please do not make this happen. Please. It could be your Christmas (or New Year) gift to me.

Christmas :)

2008-12-25T11:44:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone who sent me their greetings this Christmas :)

All very lovely and creative - greetings with quotes (whether borrowed and composed by them) to greetings in Japanese to some in simple "merry christmas". Thank you, thank you, thank you. :)

Teleserye

2008-11-25T12:48:00.000-08:00

I am recently addicted to this teleserye Kahit Isang Saglit that I spend the first half hour of my day at the office watching it on its blog site or on pinoychannel. (ssshh.. =p talk about using office resources for non-work pleasure. But hey, it is our soap. Defensive mode).

Before, I thought it was Jericho’s passionate portrayal of the role. I’ve always had this ‘thing’ for Jericho whenever he is acting (but never when he is singing, hehe =p). But just this morning – I came to this thought that what I love about this soap is how it reveals how much love and hate a person is capable of, and how far people are willing to go for what or who they love or hate.

Trite, I know. But hey, I have got 10 hours of sleep last night (which makes me feel abnormal, and groggy in the morning), I have a report to revise with this cluttered and sleepy mind. And so I give my self the right to ‘un-earth’ clichés and take the pride in declaring them brilliant. =p

Love (stolen)

2008-11-03T12:10:00.000-08:00

stolen from Franch. There are times when we do not know how to say how we feel. So we just have to hear first what others have to say.

Love According to Bob Ong:

1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya.."

2. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."

3. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

4. "Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

5. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

6. "Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din."

7. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

8. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

9. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang."

10. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una."

11. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

12. "Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totoong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka."

13. "Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

14. "Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya."

15. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."

16. “Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala.”

17. “Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan.”

18. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"

19. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakatakot mahulog...at kapag nahulog ka, it's either by accident or talagang tanga ka.."

How :(

2008-10-31T22:33:00.000-07:00

How does one deal with rejection? How does one deal with endings? How does one learn to accept? How do I do this?

I've heard a lot of theories - and these I should have faith on since they came from people I trust, from people who may not know how it feels to be here -- but people who are sensitive enough to feel that I've fought hard enough and that going beyond that enough is extremely damaging.

But I do not know to start to even try living these theories. Wala akong kakampi. Kahit iyong mismong pinaglalaban ko -- wala na. But I don't know. There is this part of me that just would not quit. Ayaw niyang tumigil kahit hindi niya alam kung saan pa niya hinuhugot iyong mismong bumubuhay sa kanya.

Sorry? Please do not tell me you are sorry. I'd rather have you not say anything than say that.

Happy thought

2008-10-31T22:06:00.000-07:00

A comeback. This one's a happy thought. :) Finally heard from someone again. And I was happy because I did not wait for it but it just happened. I just love this friend of mine dearly. It used to be a friendship that hurt - but now, it still makes me cry but because I am happy. I am happy that despite the distance and the time - that 'something' is still there.

Going Asian ^-^

2008-10-20T18:35:00.000-07:00

I watched this South Korean movie last night in Gateway Mall. It was one impulsive decision after an unproductive day at the office. Sometimes, dilly-dallying gives you gamut of emotions – of guilt, laziness, exhaustion blah blah. But in summary, it was not a good day – and so.. aware as I am of the ongoing Cinemanila Festival since last week – I tried to check out the sched online and decided to try the 930 PM screening of the SKorea movie.

“I’m a Cyborg But That’s ok” – For some reason, the title sounds very Asian, right? Well, it was a chance for me to go back to my Korean lessons (ha, my interest in the language was temporarily replaced by an interest in Japanese =p although after watching this film, interest was rekindled.)

As in my experience with most ‘indie’ films, there were scenes that I find disturbing. (Spoiler to those who intend to watch the movie--) For instance, there was this scene when Young-goon (the cyborg girl) was working in a radio factory wherein a voice-over was dictating the “steps” the ‘human machines’ are supposed to be doing (like check whether antenna is working, blah blah). Nothing unusual at first (although there seems to be something in ‘factory’ scenes that sort of freak me out, especially with humans ‘functioning’ like machines’) and THEN – the voice-over started instructing her to cut her wrist, put the open wire beneath her skin, secure the wire on the wrist with tape (3x!), then plug it in. And boy, she was damn obedient. So boom! She became a cyborg!

Then there were the ‘minor disturbing’ scenes – the gross ones like sharing dentures, eating raw liver, really zoom in shots of an eye, the back of a skinny girl (grrr.. the spine), fingers transforming into guns and killing all the white ‘uns (those in white uniform in the mental hospital), the cyborg licking a battery thinking it was her food.

But less the disturbing scenes – I love the human touch of the movie (quite ironic with the title). It was the friendship (or was it love) that developed between the cyborg and another mental patient (played by Rain – wah.. I didn’t expect him to be part of the movie. Hey, nice surprise. Never mind that he was scratching his butt many times in the film). With the boy believing that he can steal other people’s qualities, he stole Young-goon’s sympathy and sadness. That was when he started doing all the efforts to help her eat normal food instead of licking batteries.

I just thought that the idea of stealing other people’s emotions could be a noble thing. Would it not be great if we can take away whatever emotion we feel makes the ‘other’ suffer? I think at some point, we all have felt this desire to ‘own’ another person’s burden – especially if we see and feel how much such is weighing the other person down. Yes, it is insane – to desire something which we know is ‘normally’ unwanted (a sadistic act maybe) but maybe – that is where greatness begins. A great friendship. A great love.

So it is a cyborg movie but it was ok – more than ok J

Rant my stress away.

2008-09-21T15:47:00.000-07:00

I feel so sick right now. Whew. I just want to have this extreme sickness that would automatically confine me to my bed for a year - staring at the ceiling and forever waiting for good friends to come and visit me. I am exhausted.

Grr.. I hate going to work. I hate what I have been doing for work. Well, I always have. It was just that I extra hate it these days. I hate bugging people – I hate doing follow ups. I hate systems and processes and documents. I hate waiting for people’s signatures. I hate going all through all this for something I am not even sure if I really want.

Well, I am to go to a business trip first week of October (good luck to me when I haven’t even submitted our visa requirements for processing). Hell yeah, it sounds exciting. If it happens, it would be my first time in a foreign land.

But hell yeah, it does not excite me. I am scared to death. I am scared of being lost in translation, of those train signs and maps I do not know how to make sense of. I am scared of clients observing us while we do our jobs. I am scared of being gone for days and not being able to communicate with people I care about. But most especially, I am scared that this project would fail. And as early as now – I think it is failing (woo.. negative energy here I come). Fecking visa applications – I could not even jumpstart it on time.

I am just ranting. Forgive me, I just needed to let it go.

Jeff Bebe, Baby! =p (random entry)

2008-09-08T15:18:00.000-07:00

I have seen “Almost Famous” for the nth time and had this unexpected appreciation for one character (unexpected since before he was simply a background, hehe =p) - Jeffrey.

Stillwater’s front man is for me the most conflicted – the bearer of love disguised as hate. [To Russell: “I don’t love you man. None of us did! You act above us all, you always have. As if we’re lucky to be with you. And we have to live with it, man. I have to live with you, And now I might die with you and it’s not fucking fair!”.] And yet, I saw this worried look of him when Russell got his hand electrocuted.

He is also the most brutally honest. The bravest of them all to say what he really means –his vanity [To Russell (in the midst of their heated fight over the band’s t-shirt): “Your looks have become a problem.”], his hunger for popularity and the image of ‘cool’, his fear (of William the enemy), his love (for the annoying Leslie. Grr. But at least he’s got the balls to say it. So un-Russell Hammond.)

Hmm.. Now I start to doubt myself. Am I really pro-Jeff or am I just anti-Russell? (Just thinking aloud.)

The Juggler

2008-09-01T00:54:00.000-07:00

Argh. My thoughts are everywhere. Visually, I could imagine a little man inside this head – he is juggling all these thoughts. And he is making me feel dizzy. These questions – I would I could the answers the moment I ask them.

Why I this fecking SIM not yet activated?

When is he coming back? I need to tell him something.

When do we do the telecon? Would I be able to tell him my every concern.

How can she make me cry? She’s a stranger. And she’s a fecking robot.

What was she thinking? Does she think I’m irresponsible?

Why am I such a sleepyhead recently?

Will I go see Japan? Would be worth all this stress?

Will he miss me? Does he miss me now?

What was she thinking? Does she think I’m trying too hard?

Am I gay?

Would that be ok with him? Or ayaw niya because that would be hassle? Eh paano na? Wala na ngang chance. Wala nang ibang way.

“Masakit. Di lang naman kita gusto eh. Mahal kita.” What? Bakit kinikilig ako kay Jericho?

What’s will all the details of that customer assistant?

How can I even dream of wanting to be famous when I get shaken with the ‘littlest’ intrusion on my private life? But hey, it was not ‘minor’ – was she spying on me? That being confidential? Who is she kidding?

An old maid? =Noooooooo….

Should I go home?

Where is home? (God, I just get tired commuting every day. Literally dragging my feet sometimes.)

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

2008-08-31T00:34:00.000-07:00

Stolen from Les :)

****

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

PURE SHUFFLE.

Opening Credits: Princesa – Itchyworms (Hmm.. I never imagined there can be a ‘princess’ in me.)

Waking Up: Letter to Angelina Jolie – Giniling Festival (Oww.. Interesting. Waking up to a lot of possibilities – tulad ng pagiging munggo ang ulo at balat ay maong.)

First Day At School: Fruitcake – Eraserheads (Oh yeah, get subtly drunk on the first day of school.)

Falling In Love: Everywhere (Unplugged) – Michelle Branch ( Argh. Ok, damn he’s everywhere.)

Fight Song: Hello Baby – Cynthia Alexander ( Come on, baby, let’s fight. Haha.)

Breaking Up: Imaginative World - 13 Needles ( In this world we are over. But maybe – we can be together in that OTHERworld. J )

Prom: Kokomo – The Beach Boys (Haha, so old school.)

Life: Planetarium – Unknown Japanese artist (Haha, can anyone translate this song to me? Coolness. Life indeed is Japanese to me.)

Mental Breakdown: Ganjazz – Eraserheads (Crazy song. Crazy lyrics – if you ever call that lyrics.)

Driving: For Tonight – Silent Sanctuary ( This is dangerous. I might fall asleep while driving.)

Flashback: The Closer I Get To You – MYMP (Haha, who is “you”?)

Getting back together: Doo Bidoo – Kamikazee (Just when I thought I am over the drugs – we just have to be back together, haha =p)

Wedding: Freefall – Imago (I love this song. There’s a sort of urgency in the beat. Complements my recent thoughts of actually wanting to get married. – soon. Haha, I’m scared of those thoughts.)

Birth of Child: Swimming Beach – Parokya ni Edgar (Why not? My baby and I getting a good tan.)

Final Battle : Miss You Love – Silverchair ( True. There’s love and hate in every goodbye.)

Death Scene: Koo Koo Koo - Moonpools and Caterpillars (Tsk. Bad news: I am to die not a rock star. Good news: I am to die not a fool.)

Funeral Song: Futuristic - Eraserheads (Wah.. Sakto! “Baby, I wanna go. Say hello to the other side”.)

End Credits: Falling- Keahiwai (Awww.. It still ends with love. Haha, cheese, but it’s good cheese.)

Games

2008-08-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

Role-playing

So this is the scenario –

You are a little kid, and every time you come home from school, your mother gives you this present – a bag of candies – of different flavors. She would happily give you a piece or two and give you a warm and tight hug afterwards. She would not leave the room until she sees you smile and hug you back.

But hell, you really did not feel like smiling after eating those candies. They don’t taste good – not one flavor. Eating these candies make you cry. But you eat them anyway and pretend to be happy doing so because you love your mother. And you love the thought of your mother giving the candies to you.

And you love your mother so much that you don’t tell her the truth of you not liking the candies. Or you sugarcoat it. For there are times when you just cannot eat any more of it – you tell her you do not like the candies - some of the candies.

Day after day, you suffer. Until one day, you felt you have this big decision to make.

Do you tell her that you do not like what she has been giving you? (And bear the pain of --

…. knowing and feeling that you have hurt the feelings of someone you love

… dealing with the consequence that she would stop giving you candies – an act you got so used to and genuinely loved.

Or do you shut up and continue lying to your self and to your mother? And hope that maybe one day –

… your taste buds would be ‘numb’ to the painful taste

… you could taste at least one flavor that you would like

… OR your mother would see through you and without you even having to tell her, would decide to give you something that would make you really happy.

Maybe I am that little kid. Tomorrow night, I will be going home and I am expecting a bag of bad-tasting candies. And I know it is going to be worse.

Because I know she would not be there to give it to me. I would see it laid on my bed. My ‘mother’ has to pretend that it did not come from her. She has to pretend that she did not see me coming home – and that she is damn busy teaching my little sister how to read. Oh yes, my little sister who never gets the bad candies – only the best hugs. (Lucky bitch.)

Should I even come home? Most likely, I still would. I just could not figure out whether because I could not bear the greater pain of loss, or that I could simply not stop myself from hoping.

The Best Game in the World is Play Dead

You drop. (I’m so helpless.)

You close your eyes (I can’t see the enemy – and my friend being with the enemy.)

You breathe silently. (I’m here but it’s just me. Don’t mind. I’m dead.)

You pretend to be numb when poked. (I’m not fucking hurt. It’s fucking ok.)

Until game is over.

Until there is no more “play”

Just what –

You got that right.

Spot the similarities.

Look at this picture and spot the 'almost twins'.

12 Days of Freedom!

2008-08-20T01:23:00.000-07:00

Woa. Happy 12th to Freedom Bar.! :) Imagine a bar that's been around for 12 yrs. (I've been going there for a year or so, :))

Well, they have this series of exciting gig events running for 12 days starting this Monday - following the usual corresponding 'genre' per day (Jazz on Mondays + Metal on Tuesdays + Girl Power Night on Weds + Glam Rock? on Thurs + Indie Night/Album Launches on Fridays) - the regulars of course plus some visitors.

I was there last night. Well, I was just having my first bottle and I felt the buzz immediately. Woo. I guess Resurrected's sound is just that heavy for me (haha =p not to mention that I get somehow disturbed since the vocalist/guitarist looks like the "grown-up" version of my cousin).

But what was extra interesting was the vocalist of this 'new' band called Requiem (?). Oh well, he is soooo gay - as in out gay. The way he was saying "thank you sa Freedom Bar", "Hello sa mga taga-dyan sa Cainta" is just oh so funny and well.. gay. And take note - he claims to be a regular of the Wednesday group (which I am not sure if true). BUT when he growls - he growls like a man. Oh man. =p

It was a happy freedom night. I wish I could go to the other nights as well (hmm.. although my body seems to be complaining already. Tsk. I am getting old.)

An early gig announcement

2008-08-14T16:44:00.000-07:00

For the love of people who are making and listening to great music on the night of the 27th of September.

"PAKASKASAN LIVE SA FREEDOM"
Freedom Bar, Anonas
Beredeman Production

Pentavia
Libris Arcana
AFP
INB
Blue Island
Ohm Sapien
Lpstk
Mitochondria
Sandlady
Kwak Kwak
Tanukaobra
Inri
Bubblegoo
Banda ni Gino
Banda ni Edrik
Banda ni Lowell

Happy days. Not so happy days.

2008-08-12T21:01:00.000-07:00

"There are days when I do not feel like waking up for I am sure it is gonna be another uneventful day. But there are days like today - when I feel brave enough to simply live. I woke up today and was greeted by the very reason."

Oh well, today is one of those usual days. But last night was just extra difficult. My "freedom night" was not much a relief, unfortunately. I lost too much water last night, haha, (and the booze intake could not compensate for that).

I was such a loser. I am a loser. (Wah. This is therapy. It feels so good to write these down.) And maybe now is not the right time to lose more. Either I've had enough or there's simply nothing (more) to lose.

So I decided to just go back. Think about those days when I was happy. Just like that day when I actually thought (surprise surprise) of what I've written above. Yes I've had happy days right? I was just scared to write about them because I have this theory that words are thieves. (wow, what an accusation right? But it has happened to me a lot of times. I write about something good then a few hours later - "boom. False. A lie.")

Go back to "happy day thoughts" during unhappy days. That's an order, Teng.

"Kumusta ka"

2008-08-07T15:36:00.000-07:00

I realized recently that “kumusta ka?” is the question I find most difficult to answer. Oh well, next to the question “who am I?”, actually. But what is harder is that I, (or shall I say we?) get to hear this question often. And I was thinking, even if asked at the exact same moment, this question sort of demands from us different answers – most of the time dependent on who asks it.

If the question comes from some people who I suppose are making their “pagpaparamdam” after some time of ignoring me, do I answer it with “hey, you remembered me” –(either with tone of gratitude or with sarcasm). If it comes from my friends from the office, should my answer be work-related? If it comes from a ‘stranger’, should I even take the question seriously?

Quite complex, yes. Ironically, I find myself giving out the answer I do not like much hearing from other people – “ok lang”.

Let me clarify. There is nothing wrong with saying “ok lang”. It is just that –

One, hearing it from other people puts me in a difficult situation. That is, it makes me try to come up with follow-up questions that could somehow really tell me how the other person is.

Two, saying it myself gives me this feeling that I am lying. I do not know. Maybe I just keep on having these thoughts really that I am so “lutang” these days that I cannot even know and feel how I really am.

Wah. Am I just making things seem complicated? Forgive me for I have been having all these thought bubbles recently. I just have to write some of them down. J

Maybe it is best to just be thankful for the gesture of asking "kumusta?". Never mind the intention. Never mind the expected answer. Never mind the ‘accuracy’ of your answer to how you really are.

An ending

2008-06-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

For one, this month kicked off with a goodbye. An unexpected ending, it was. I was eaten by anger and envy that I said things which hurt the other person, and/or magnified the hurt that I or we were having. Little did I expect that instead of assuring me that despite THAT, we are going to be ok, because we will again try – I did not expect that the only choice for that person is to quit. Initially, I thought it was one of those ‘misunderstandings’ that could easily be fixed the following day – usually with not much explanation needed.

I was wrong. Days passed, and not one of us did any effort to ‘fix things’. It was freedom night the next (and the last time) that we talked. Goodbyes were said but it was funny how it did not feel that sad. I realized then that sometimes, the presence of someone can make all the loneliness go away. So at that moment when we were talking, I thought that nothing was really over.

Again, I was wrong. Indeed it was goodbye. We haven’t seen each other since then. We have only communicated occasionally. One was when (I think) he trying to try to be there for me (try-try L ) during one of my lowest points (which I shall speak of later in the entry.) Anyway.. right now I’m trying my best to be ok. Although I am certain where I can be truly fine, I am slowly learning to let go, especially when as the days pass, it is getting clearer that there is simply no place for me there anymore.

Wah.

2008-05-24T14:31:00.000-07:00

Sabi nga ng boss ko kapag natatabunan na kami nang sabay-sabay ng trabaho - " magpakamatay na tayong lahat".

Wah. Natatabunan na nga kami ng trabaho - na hindi naman naglalayo sa akin sa mga iba ko pang iniisip - masamang mga iniisip. Tsk, patuloy na pagtatangkang hanapan ng sagot ang sangkatutak na mga tanong (o isa nga lang ba?) na taon ko nang dala-dala. Hanap ako nang hanap pero kapag dumadaplis na may sagot - tangina, ang sakit dahil hindi ko matanggap. O ayaw kong tanggapin - dahil hanggang ngayon, pinaninindigan ko pa rin na mayroon akong ipinaglalaban. Kahit pa ang labo-labo na. Kahit pa sabi nga ng kaibigan ko - " utak mo, pulutin mo sa sahig".

AT hindi rin puwedeng takasan ang iba ko pang mga kailangang asikasuhin para hindi naman ako tumira sa kalye isang buwan mula ngayon.

Tsk. Magpakamatay na tayo. O ako lang. Dahil natatabunan na ako ng kung ano-ano.

Tsk. Are you happy now? (warning: a hate entry)

2008-05-10T05:06:00.000-07:00

I know I do have my flaws. I am not perfect. I may have done 'wrong things' to you that you are yet to know. BUT.. I do not deserve what you did to me.

I used to respect you. But I don't anymore. You are pathetic. If that is your way of loving him, then I guess it is too much. You don't steal other people's identity just so that you will 'know' things. If you truly believe in the relationship you have with him, then why don't you ask him?

Instead of being that sneaky. Instead of lying. Instead of deceiving other people. Instead of hurting them and making them believe that it is the person you are pretending to be is the one who is actually doing the hurting.

You liar. (Yes, I am being judgmental). You liar. And you know where liars go.

A Proud Girl Friend

2008-05-09T16:46:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to my two boy friends:

June Lowell Uy and Jan Joshen de Guzman who are now officially engineers!!

After months of review (with beer on the side, hehe), Lowell's makulit requests that we pray for them, and 4- to 6-hour nosebleeding exams (on topics I am clueless about, hehe), IT IS OVER.

Engr. de Guzman at Engr. Uy, pa-cheeseburger naman kayo! Haha =p

Embarrassed

2008-05-03T07:38:00.000-07:00

Wow.. Ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng napapahiya.

Sinabi mo alam mo iyon. Sinabi mo mahalaga iyon sa iyo? Tapos ngayon, sasabihin mo "cnabi ko bang (ganun)? akaw!"

I feel like I am going to melt in embarassment when I read this. I am deeply hurt. I guess this is what happens when in the world of skeptics like me, I believe a few claimed truths, which painfully turn out to be lies.

Elbi Night

2008-04-27T04:22:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was not only A WEEKEND but a fun weekend with the family. In celebration of Tito Randy and Yip's visit and of Lola's birthday, the Correas spent the night in a house in Laguna. And here are some snips (again) from this rare occasion (rare, because I hardly spend time with the family, tsk :( ):

(copied from the list I was writing that night)

The warm pool water. Ala hot spring. So so soothing. (haha, rhyming) I super enjoyed the pool even though I do not know how to swim. Wah, at some points, I was jealous at everyone else who could dive into water, huhu.

The 'nice' videoke machine. Such a high rater. I got several 99s ("You are a superstar!") without even singing a word.

The 'rock baby rock' dance with Iya. As requested by the then tipsy Tito Jun2.

"Laguna Babes". Haha, it was Tito Alvin who told us we've degraded from being Boracay babes to Laguna babes.

Lolo dedicating the song "My Way" to Lola. It was just funny because as the first line goes, "blah blah blah.. the end is near". Of course, Im sure Lolo didn't mean that.

The Tipsy Brothers. As I was writing this list, Pop and Tito Randy we're singing, and they kept on changing the song, singing only the first 2-3 lines of it (of course, the machine still rated them "superstars" and "perfect artists", hehe =p

Hmm. I just realized entries like these are like captions without pictures. Haha. Waah.. I shall learn to write again. As in really write.

Beaching Snips

2008-04-11T14:56:00.000-07:00

To add flavor to the posted pictures from our beaching, here are some quite worth-remembering snippets:

"Escondidos": The place we stayed in was actually named "Escondido" but I kept on telling my friends (i.e., Jan2 and his titos) that it was Escondidos. Wala lang. I just felt stupid.

"Tetoterone": While having our breakfast conversations on male-female hormones (jumpstarted by the rather classic question whether a guy who makes patol a gay is considered gay, hehe), Iya said "tetoterone" instead of testosterone,which made us laugh out loud and come up with other bulol words (hmm,, which I don't remember anymore, hehe). A moment uncaptured.

Longganisa: Tita's favorite complimentary breakfast choice. The first time she ordered it and said, "wow, longganisa", I thought she was being sarcastic because it was quite small (parang twin longganisitas pa nga, haha). But when she ordered it the day after (and the day after that), only then did I realize that she indeed liked it :)

"Broken Left": After our ur first stroll along the stretch and the Dmall, I felt disappointed when the strap of my left slippers broke. Boo. So I had to buy one, grrr.. Thanks to Jan2 who came with me and even walked barefoot on the concrete floor of the shopping area. The ironic thing is: I bought a slippers of same brand and of almost the same style (slim strap). Wah, talk about irrational buys.

The morning after, the left side of the frame of my eyeglasses broke as well. Tsk. But oh well, thank God I did not lose my contact lens.

Sponge Cola. While waiting for Iya curl her hair, Tita and I were watching the Myx Mo awards, and when Sponge Cola won an award (as Band of the Year, I think), I made this comment that when I was still in school, they were not that mainstream (i,e., this popular) yet, blah blah. And when I opened our door, wah, I was surprised to see their drummer near the room opposite ours. So I was like, "Sponge Cola is here!" and Tita told me I sounded like I was excited as if I am a fan. Haha, I was just thrilled because we were just talking about them and then there they were!

Then we came up to them looking so kilig, took pictures with them and had our tshirts and backs signed. Haha, just kidding! Tita and I thought that maybe it was a personal trip so we don't want to be like privacy intruders.

Hmm,, but it wasn't a personal trip pala. They had a gig with Retrospect on the 5th night of April, and boy, people blocked the beachfront in front (front-front, hehe) of the bar where they were playing. So Tita, Iya and I had to walk on the water with the lumots, haha, so we can check the other bars.

The Hawaiian-Tropic-lotion-tasting drink: It was the alcohol Tita Teret ordered the night we ate out (my birthday treat kuno, haha) at Hawaiian BBQ. (We were 'required' to buy drinks from the bar nearby so we may sit down on the lounge, hehe). I think it was pineapple with coconut base which according to Iya tasted like the lotion/oil we have been putting on our bodies and faces, Iya didn't like it, but I did, Haha, weird me, I like coconut that much,

Raphael and his Power Rangers. Our boyfriend :) Iya and I spent several minutes talking (and playing) with this really cute 5-yr old boy who thinks his cousins are his brothers/sisters and who is into yellow, Power Rangers, small cars, baking cakes in a Barney PC game, and singing a Maroon 5 song which title I forgot.

teng needs your number

2008-04-08T14:14:00.000-07:00

Hay.. lost my phone last sunday - together with the numbers (and messages) I've been keeping for years. If you still want to keep in touch, kindly email or message me your number then I'll text back. Salamat! :)

The first time I am writing semi-drunk (semi-edited)

2008-04-01T05:39:00.000-07:00

Haha, I just want to write. This is a moment - the first time I am writing a blog entry with alcohol in my blood stream. Pero steady lang, well I guess this is the perfect chill - I just needed these two bottles of beer to depress me (depression in a good way) that I may relax from this mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting job.

Hmm.. Today is freedom night, I love Tuesdays because Tuesdays mean freedom. It's incomplete tonight though, But freedom night is freedom night. Hehe, how sensible can I get.

I am sleepy and I shall sleep. I shall sleep now. Tomorrow is another prison day.

My First Pic with an artista! (haha, I just have to post this, sorry)

2008-03-25T03:32:00.000-07:00

Whenever people find out that I work in ABS-CBN, the usual question I get is: "sino nang artista ang nakita mo?". Followed up with questions like, "maputi si Kris? Sinong pinakaguwapo? Sinong maganda? Si Piolo gwapo ba talaga? Si Willie gwapo sa personal ano? Si ganto supladita ano?"

Haha, and most of the time, I really do not know what to say because even though I have been seeing artistas around the compound (and as baduy as it can be to other people), I actually enjoy seeing artistas :) ), it is always hard to 'explain' to people that the nature of my job in ABS does not really make me chummy chummy with the TV people, or give me access to these shows, blah blah.

Ha! I said a lot right? but anyway here's a picture with Roxanne, who was a friend of my officemate so she went up there and made chika chika sa entrance door ng department namin for several minutes. Wait, it's actually my second picture with an artista na pala. Hmm.. the first was with my ultimate childhood idol Donna Cruz (yeah!).

And yes, Piolo is gwapo (forgot the rumors for a split second). I'd describe him as peachy-licious. (haha, he was wearing peach when I saw him but still he looked so manly - to me, ha, hehe). Jon, the PBB British guy is GWAPO. Aga looked like a drawing when I saw him because he was so thin then so his facial features looked as if he was drawn, hehe.

Kris is not as white as I expected. And she is small (haha, konek?). And Valerie likes to shop for accessories (wearing her Wowowee show dress and slippers, takas in between segments of the noontime show, while it was Willie's turn to host). And Sharon is not as fat as she looks onscreen. [haha, i am babbling]

I am scared that I didn't get scared

2008-03-25T02:57:00.000-07:00

Death does not scare me. And that was quite scary.

As our car was entering this flyover bridge near Ortigas (not so sure) around 7:30 last night, the wheel closest to my seat just got loose and literally went ahead of us. That was after some minutes of wiggling (which we initially thought was 'normal' except for my mother who was the most worried).

We were blessed, right. There was no car nearby. The tire did not hit any other car. My father even managed to gear toward the other side of the road, the left lane, that is, - without us not hitting the railing or jumping off the flyover (as my brother had imagined at that moment).

What was weird was that I didn't remember feeling scared. I don't actually remember feeling anything (hmm,, or was that simply my 'defense mechanism' in such uncontrollable situations). I do remember a thought though, which was in reaction to what my mother (i think) said - that is, "tangina sasabog ata 'to". Hmm.. a quite stupid thought ata? (not so sure if an explosion is likely in such a situation). Great. I'm gonna die in my element - FIRE.

But thank God or any Higher Being in control because no one was hurt. We did cause some road obstruction in the area, yes, but we did not get hurt and did not hurt anyone. Live and let live.

Hay.. Things indeed happen that make us wonder about the wonders of life,.. and of death.

Say when

2008-03-08T19:28:00.000-08:00

When will this stop?

Just when I thought things are starting to change for the better, what happened last night proved this hypothesis wrong. Oh well, gone is another Saturday night of torture, of a slap in the face of my self-inflicted feelings of stupidity and worthlessness.

Yes, I was there. Embarrassed as I was, yes I was there. I was unwanted again I know. I must be kept. Tang-ina. Iyon lang.

He replied

2008-03-07T23:31:00.000-08:00

Finally, I got replies from my Korean friend Dong Hee. ^-^

Heard he's currently enrolled in the military service in Korea which is about to end "29 August 2009" (haha, yes, that's how specific he is. He even gave me the date.) And he might come back.. Hmm.. I don't know how to feel about this news.

Oh well, I keep on telling myself that I should not hope too much. A lot of things could happen in between the "yes, i'll must go back to philippines" and him actually standing in front of me at the airport (hmm.. because he told me that when he gets back, i must meet him at the airport, kk)

I hope he'll come back. Grr,, i just said I won't hope, right? This waiting,. It's all happening again,

I'm Going Nuts (a nut so sensible entry)

2008-03-07T04:39:00.000-08:00

(Haha, I just felt I had to write something..)

Just a funny observation at the office this week - Nuts Overload!

was looking at my desk the other other day and with the clutter of data table and presentation draft print-outs are a jar of peanut butter pretzels, a bag of salted and 'garlic-ked' nuts and peanut brittle - these being pasalubongs from other people in the office.

Wahaha, brain food - as if screaming at me to get more brain Teng. Hehe. You have a report to finish, Yikes.

***

And.. woohoo.. finally, I can access the Internet from my new room [hmm.. after almost five yrs in Africa, I have finally moved.. on (?)]. So I am blogging nonsense stuff this early morning. The Internet, plus the fact that I have cancelled lakads tonight because I fell asleep earlier this evening so so sorry to Les and/or my high school friend/s inviting for a drink somewhere in Morato. Boohoo..

There.. cancelled lakads - PLUS alternative activities which I could not do as well :(

And.. when I thought I could watch a koreanovela in crunchyroll.com, I was disappointed that it was dubbed in another Asian language (Mandarin, perhaps?). Hmm.. I still prefer Korean (there's something charming with the intonation =p).

Then I wanted to try ABS-CBNNow! (subtle plug :) ) because they gave us free trial cards when we went to their office for an orientation the other day. Perfect timing because I have not been able to watch our primetime shows since the grand Kung Fu-Lobo-Palos launching. But it was not working. Wah, is it that hassle to get anything free these days?

In short, I am bored. So I wrote.

This Saturday :)

2008-01-29T11:59:00.000-08:00

Para sa taong excited sa event na to :)

A ‘Good time’ Week To Remember

2008-01-20T12:30:00.000-08:00

(Hmm. I smell a happy entry. J So I was wrong then in saying that I only get to write whenever I’m sad. Hmm. Must have been the isaw and the dirty ice cream Yeye, Jan2 and I had in UP this rainy afternoon.)

Jan 11, Reggae Friday à Jan 12 5AM Conversations (Lowell as the pasimuno, Zai, Yeye, Jan and Teng as the kaladkarins, and Rambo as the greater kaladkarin – nakasunod pa after 2 tiring gigs). Assembled in Gateway then off to Quattro Timog, but since Quattro was full that night – we went to Xaymaca instead. It was my second time to be there – the first one with Lowell and Veejay around two years ago. The set-up is different now – the tennis court which then used to be the ‘backstage’ is now where all the tables and chairs and the stage are. Hmm.. the space inside must have been small to accommodate the reggae-loving people. Brownman Revival was the performer for the night; and although not an authentic reggae fan, it was good to listen (and dance to) a kind of music different from what I usually get to listen to - the rather heavy metal (and emo/punk? – wah, I suck at genres!) to listen to in Freedom as well as from the mushy Tagalog movies OST songs I currently have been listening to in my ipod (One More Chance, yeah). Of course, that was the music plus the band vocalist who seemed pretty cute and mysterious with those sunglasses in the dark of the night.

Amid the music, I also had this really touching conversation with my friend. Finally, I heard from someone who understands (and speaks as if he is) the other someone. For some reason, his “steady ka lang” advice, no matter how obscure it is seemed to make sense to me then – especially with the really confused mode I was in that night. I really owe him a lot for everything he told me and did for me that night. Let’s just say that that night, he created the link between I and the person who could make me feel better.

Jan 15, Tuesday Freedom Night. Proceeded to my third home after watching I Am Legend (which made me realize that although horror movies do not really scare me – those with zombies or whatever you call those wild creatures creep me out). The usual- I came there not knowing if there is someone I know who would be there (except of course Lenard to bar guy who knows me already) – my habit of suddenly showing up in some places where I want to be. I also got used to going to that place to simply drink alone (and I drink more responsibly in such situation, hehe) and listen to whatever is there to listen to. Thank goodness Rambo was there – and his band did play (because even if his band is part of the so-called Tuesday group, there are days when they could not make it).

Most of the time, freedom nights are almost indeed freedom nights- in my own definition, that is (Oh well, there were and I expect that there would be exceptions of course). But this particular night was freeing. No, I wasn’t drunk – no hitting, no ‘free beer’ hirits to the owner, no dozing off. In the first place, drunkenness or even a slight buzz is not even part of the definition. I was in my consciousness. Natural highs indeed hit better.

Jan 16-17, Wednesday Beerday. In celebration of her 21st birthday (yay, one of the youngest in our batch. Hmmpp. I’m turning 22 this year, wah..), Zai (who is one of the main ‘organizers’ of this event), Lowell (who was wearing his “The secret to avoid hangovers, stay drunk” shirt which we bought in Gateway last Saturday), Jan2 (who now drinks! Yeah! and who already drank some before going there so during the second mug – he was saying no already, which made him “Bad Jan2”), Rambo (who surprisingly showed up after his I-have-asthma-attacks-so-I-couldn’t-go’ text messages) , Yeye (the celebrant of course, who we made to wait alone in Gateway L. Bad us), Jap (who followed after we had our first round of beer) and I spent the night of the 16th in Quattro. She was making parinig to me last weekend that we should plan a birthday surprise for her (hmm.. weirdness) but time constraints and lack of coordination among us (wehehe, bad friends) made us decide that we should just join her as she welcomes her BEERDAY – literally with beer (and some food on the side, of course.) Macho mugs, yeah. (hehe, or was it mucho? Whatever. There was much beer on a rather macho mug, anyway, hehe – around 2-3 bottles, I guess).

Plus, it was good timing that there was a band playing that night. (If I’m not mistaken, there is no band there on weekends). Zai and Ye even sang in front of us all! Wahaha, coolness. Ye ye ye, I said Hey! What’s going on? (Zai, if you’re reading this, don’t kill me) and Don’t stray, don’t ever go away (Hmm.. Ye? I’m safe. Ye doesn’t know about this blog). It was funny though that just like a manager who wanted exposure for her talents, I found out from Jan that I semi-grabbed the shirt of the vocalist of the band, somehow threatening him to allow my friends-slash-talents to sing. Haha! I don’t remember doing that! But I do remember hearing them sing. It was kind of weird (Maybe, Jan2 is lying, haha or is this called selective memory? J).

It was a happy night. Besides (and more than) the alcohol, I was with friends I am most comfy with. It was basically the same group that I went out with the previous Friday (at Xaymaca then after Brownman Revival’s set, in a grill place that stays open until 5 AM, hehe). Even if I became sluggish and even fell asleep during the latter part (at least, I was behaved according to Yeye), I really enjoyed the night J - especially with my good ‘ol friends’ singing. Because of that, I forgive them for stealing crisp 100s from my wallet. Haha, the ATM dispensed 100s na malulutong - parang pamasko :P). No, just kidding. It was really supposed to be my (and Zai’s) treat (ha! Working people). I was just trying to be escape by pretending to be asleep. Hehe, kidding again.

Jan 18, The Eighteenth + Second Freedom Night. Hmm.. my second Freedom night for the week – a rare event, hehe. I knew I just had to be there. I told myself that being there on that night has got to be the fruit of the stalking I did earlier that day plus it is the eighteenth – and the eighteenth means to me. The first hour did not turn out as ‘free’ as I expected but the wait and being made to feel like a less priority turned out to be worth it in the end. It was a relief to bravely say whatever I wanted to say with less care of how the other person would feel. And making it sound that I was angry to the point that he got mad at me, speaking to me louder and less calm than the usual. Talk about brutally honest conversations. Freeing.

I don't mean to write sad entries. i just write whenever i's sad

2008-01-13T20:05:00.000-08:00

When will this end? I thought our decision to stop this is going to save me from all the unhappy thoughts. But for some reason, the painful reality has a way of getting to me.

Just like water trying to find its way to get into a piece of wood, eventually making it soft, until the sun dries it up and the spaces where the water used to flow become the very spaces that make it brittle.

I thought I am in control of this. So I just let the water flow. Because I thought its presence is going to do me good. Because I thought it would just pass by and I would not even notice that it was gone.

The water is now gone. And I noticed it. And I still could not let go of the almost eight months that it was with me.

Blank

2008-01-07T18:32:00.000-08:00

The past days have been exhausting. Unexpected events brought me to this situation I thought I have always been in control of.

Surprises. The worst of them came to me recently. They make me want to shut down all my senses – my mind incapable of any thought, of any question; my heart numb to any emotion, my ears deaf to the painful truth my friends have to say to make me wake up, my memory failing to remember that night I read those sad words of an ending.

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-24T00:42:00.000-08:00

Yey :) My favorite time of the year.

For the past week, I have been complaining (mostly to myself) how the spirit of Christmas is so not here. The last week had been busy at work, as usual. I have been revising my Nueva Ecija report. Not to mention the controversy our department is facing with AGB. Tsk tsk, and semi- because of that, our forced leaves on the 26th to 28th were cancelled. Some people then had to report for work on those dates. (hay.. working holiday). But thanks to my boss - she allowed me to be absent on those days because she understands I also need this time to spend with my family. I have to revise my report from here but at least, I am home.:)

But anyway.. Christmas it is. We even just had our Ocho Buena here. Haha Ocho Buena because we could not even wait for midnight, because Mama Papa and I were so hungry already (my brother Michael an exception because he is not really into food - as what is obvious with his body). So we already ate, and now we're all feeling sleepy, haha. I just hope we still get to wait for 12 before we open our gifts. haha.

Speaking of an early noche buena, thanks to all who sent me a Christmas message as early as two days ago. I think a lot of people were anticipating the network jam later. Hmm. thanks to you all. and to everyone else who i might not be able to greet later - MERRY CHRISTMAS to you all. :)

The 18th

2007-12-19T13:51:00.000-08:00

It’s been three months since I told him. It was like the stating the obvious as I told him – but then I am glad to know that indeed he was surprised and was made happy with what I said.

The gift of expression- I can say I am happy that these days, someone is slowly making me learn how to re-unwrap this gift.For the past months until then, I felt that my feelings were better left unsaid. I was then afraid of being looked at as a wrecker, of my own indecisiveness. Now, I still am afraid but not so much on those things anymore. I am afraid of not saying it as frequent, of not doing things that would make up for such otherwise empty words. I want him to feel that I meant and still mean what I said on the 18th, three months ago.

Around last week, I thought I am going back to my cycle. I thought I am again starting to lose grip on people once I get the feeling that I am no longer as important to them as much as I initially felt or would have wanted to. But I was wrong. I was not losing grip. Quite the opposite, I think I have been holding on too tightly that I experience greater frustration with things that cannot be, of time that cannot be spent together. Tsk.

So now when I say those words again, I still mean them and I mean them more.

December Kick-Off

2007-12-10T00:56:00.000-08:00

December 1. A happy night - a concoction counteracting the 'curse' of torture Saturday nights.

Freedom Bar - my sanctuary
noise to drown my thoughts away
depressant
blood*
an apple*
an old flame*
+ a line*
__________________
peace
* breathing

Visually -

Apple, cousin Reno, Jan2 and Rambo and big nostrils :p

(Hay. This obscure entry is so liberating. Because not everything requires an explanation.)

I missed this

2007-11-28T16:20:00.000-08:00

Hay.. I super miss writing in this blog. Not that I have not been writing for the past months. I actually write each and every day. The thing is, I have been writing about and for other people - capturing and processing other people's thoughts and emotions, and writing them down in certain tones and organization palatable to its readers.

So I am writing this entry because I miss writing this way. As mushy as it sounds, I miss writing from the heart. Not out of obligation, not because there’s deadline, not because I care about whether my reader would agree with what I have to say.

I miss writing about my self and the people who make my life worth writing about. I miss writing my rants away, hoping they would come back as optimism. I miss writing about my ‘pains’, as words might take them away. I miss writing about happiness, as rare moments need be captured as they come.

Hay.. I miss writing nonsense. Obviously, that was what I did.

A Friend’s Farewell ‘Party’

2007-10-14T16:28:00.000-07:00

It was one of those spontaneous lakads, which turned out to be one of the rare happy nights.

Wanting to escape from doing the work I brought home (fyi, currently working on that viewer feedback on a Star Cinema movie), the first thought I had the moment I opened my eyes 7:30 last night– “I have to go out!!” And thank God I didn’t have to do it alone – for there was another soul who more or less needed the same escape.

So off to Meatshop - such a suffocating place to be; and not very ideal if you want to really talk. So we transferred to the quieter and less crowded place beside it.

It was a happy night. (Let’s leave it as simple as that. Ha! I’ve had enough dimensionalizing emotions of viewers for the movie I’m doing a report on.)

So yes, it was a happy night, It felt good spending time and talking with two amazing people - two friends of mine who until last night didn’t know each other except through my stories. It was just that it felt good to listen to other people besides myself. Maybe it is true that sometimes, all you need is really a few hours of real talking to make up for the other days when you can’t barely talk with anyone.

Solo Flight. Solo Fight.

2007-09-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

I hated Saturday nights but yesterday was an exception.

I was able to quietly unwind even if I had to spend it drinking alone in a place where I know no one and no one knows me (except the bar tender who recognized my face but I bet he doesn’t even know my name). Yes, I was alone, I drank alone; (and I would welcome frowns and violent reactions for that).

It would have been better of course to talk with any of the few people I trust but since these few people also have lives to live and to-do’s besides listening to my rants on a weekend night, I flew solo. And thank God, I flew light. I was able to unload some thoughts baggage. It just took two bottles of booze and two chicken rice meals (two consecutive – McChicken first, then McNuggets) to make me feel that waiting until half past 12 is ok. Hahah, ok, such a bland word. But yes, my waiting was ok. I was numb, happily waiting for something that I know is not coming,

This isn’t so new. Because for the past months, this is what I have been doing - waiting without knowing what it is exactly I am waiting for.

If I just wait for things to happen, then it is not true that I am a fighter. I don’t fight, I only wait for myself to get tired of waiting. Last Tuesday must have been the finale. And just as expected – whatever I am feeling – whether I say it or not – it doesn’t make any difference.

A good conversation

2007-09-13T23:40:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday, I went to a place to get my weekly dose of peace of mind, but when I arrived there, I was surprised to see a lot of people, since it was production night. Goodbye to the imagined scenario of sitting in a corner, quietly sipping my beer while listening to wanted noise.

But I decided to stay, and I am glad I made the right decision. Because it was a chance to talk - and really talk. Thankfully not to myself.

:) It was not baduy, It was not badly emo. I simply felt it was honest. And that's the “you” I have always wanted to know and understand from the very beginning.

'Next times' rarely happen. But I'll wait for the rare.

Ironic

2007-09-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

I don't believe in falling in love.

Ironically:

a. my make or break project is on "I've Fallen For You"

b. I'm currently LSS-in on "I've Fallen For You"

Boo. Maybe, I fell. Rar. 59

Because Reno got my cam's "working" batteries

2007-09-13T07:21:00.001-07:00

..haha, I was only able to take these pictures, :) tapos puro sila pa. Aba, sinusuwerte ata ang Arkanum na yan ah, tsk tsk

Literally an invasion

2007-09-10T23:30:00.000-07:00

Confessions of an Early Bird. I wanted to come in late (“paleklek kumbaga, hehe” as I didn’t want to give people the chance of giving their reaction (which is expectedly violent, haha) with my current weirdness. Unfortunately, my brother and I arriving in Purple Haze at around 8:30 made us one of the earliest birds. (I think I even got the sixth ticket, haha. )

Arkanum was already there, getting their initial dose of booze. Ye, my brother and I sat with the band for a while – I discreetly smiling at my brother since I know how thrilled he was meeting the bandmates of his idol Kuya Enok. And when I went down to get my change, I was surprised to see that there already was a mob outside. And in a matter of minutes, the place is literally invaded.

Trigger Pulled and Back to the Past. I’ve been to some gigs and I’ve always enjoyed the experience of varying levels and kinds of energy, of pulse, of high. But what I feel makes this gig different is the nostalgia that each band brings. It is one thing to appreciate the music and another thing to connect with the people behind it; and for this experience of connection to connect you to something else.

Home – I was reminded of the town I grew up in; of the Science High Training Center where gigs (and beauty pageants, hehe) were held; of Worcestershire and Zombie, their forever cover song; of Bay’s Inn and its cheese sticks; of Puntian overnights of booze, ‘tig-pipiso’ Mulawin MSG chips (haha), and dancing in the dark; of the band I used to stalk; of that music room in Gloria Street; of Underground Chicken Sound, of Sweet Blend Tomato and all those bands whose names had to do with food (I wonder what’s with that era?); of that black shirt I have not worn for quite some time, of the message board where I used to post posing as rakistaKUNO, of my guitar that is currently – Home.

All these flashbacks and more (too personal to disclose, haha) triggered by watching and listening to schoolmates, seatmates, ex-crushes and loves, drunking-mates, and ‘now-grown-up, then kids’ (boy, I feel damn old, haha).

Lost in Purple. When I checked Kath's pics in Multiply, I wondered where I was and what I was doing the entire night. There were pictures of my batchmate friends together; and I don’t even remember where I was when all of that happened, huhu. Even Kath - I remember her sitting beside me while Arkanum was playing but I didn’t really get to talk to her.

Must be the beer, must be the purple. Must be the thought of being invisible. Hay.. But one thing for sure, I certainly regret not being able to talk with good ‘ol friends. Hmm. But I do remember having conversations with those who were lining up in the comfort room. Hmm. God, I was damn lost that night,

I was there

2007-08-19T02:16:00.000-07:00

I was there.

And you did not see me. No one saw me - and that made me feel better.

Being near you is pain. You are pain. But pain has become my anesthesia.And I owe you for that.

You, yes you.

Second hand

2007-08-13T03:43:00.000-07:00

Anonymous: Ah si ano, second hand kasi siya.

Teng (in a thought bubble): Ah second hand? Yun ba translation ng kanang-kamay? (hehe)

Natural Highs

2007-08-12T15:52:00.000-07:00

Someone posted this in ABS-CBN's bulletin; and caught the eye of the hopeless romantic side of me :).

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation. <>
15 The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17 Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they love you
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
2 3. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38 Holding hands with someone you care about.
39 Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you <>
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply. < :) >
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think. <>

Seventeen

2007-08-11T23:15:00.000-07:00

got this from Nikki's Multiply blog entry:

List (17) things you want to say to people but know YOU NEVER WILL . Don't say who they are.....

1. You were not there for me on my darkest days; and there are times when I just want to escape from you. But at the end of the day, I know you are my friend; and I love you.
2. I am an Angelina; and I am very sorry. Please dont hate me.
3. I've been wondering why I allowed that to happen. I was hurting so much then, but your hands made it all less.
4. Ha? What the? You are wasting thousands of pesos and weeks of hard work. Tsk tsk. I see no point.
5. Tang-inang peace of mind 'to. Ang mahal. Lugi ako, haha.
6. When will I see you again? I haven't told you yet how much I loved you.
7. I want to know you more. But why is it that everytime I try to come near you, you give me reasons to do otherwise?
8. You're too nice. It annoys me sometimes.
9. How can you be so judgmental? You could have explained that to me before. I was just waiting for you to tell me in detail. But you didn't. Tas ngayon magtatampo ka dahil di kita sinunod?
10. Grr. Send to all? Grrr.
11. You have such pretty eyes and cute nose. Nakakatomboy minsan, haha, scary.
12. I want to stay away from you. Baka mahawa ako sa pagiging reklamador-slash-maldita mo.
13. Please stop those subtle pressures you put upon me. Let me plan my own life first.
14. Ayy.. They bully you most of the time, but I know you're a nice person.
15. Sa lahat ng mga sinabi mo, alin ang totoo? Loko ka ah. Umayos ka. Haha, ako rin.
16. You are my first love.
17. ui, nalulungkot ako. o, wag ka nang mag-comment. Makakasakit ka lang.

A Weekend!! woohoo

2007-08-03T17:55:00.000-07:00

It's a weekend!!!! Yey!

Haha, I was just telling my tita a while ago that when you are working already - there are certain days that you just couldn't help but look forward to.Not that I hate my work- it is just that the realization that I am spending almost 90 per cent of my awake life each weekday in that same cubicle is not a very good thought.

Hmm.. well, it is true that my life right now is in overview that of a working person - I still want to have a world outside of that - my OTHERWORLD.

I still want to have thoughts that have nothing to do with Skycable, data tables, TV ratings (hehe).

I want to stare at a computer screen and see not Lotus or Excel but my Multiply, my Friendster, my Yahoo. (hmm. what's with the specifics, Chubchee?) or any page of someone I am currently stalking (haha).

I want to listen to anything but the audio of the TV that runs in the office the entire day (hmm.. but I am thankful for this since ours in the dorm is not yet fixed - except that I am LSS-ing on Margarita's "Araw-araw, gabi gabi... ", haha)

What makes this weekend extra special by the way is that I dont have to report for work. We are supposed to work only from Mondays to Fridays but the past week had been pretty hectic that I had to report on Sat and Sun. But it was worth it because the presentation of my boss went great :)

Hmm, but you know what's weird? I actually miss the office. Yay, that's really scary. Maybe it's the tv, or the chance of seeing celebrities running around or the RARE chance of watching Wowowee or ASAP live. Hay, as you can see, those are my strongest motivations to go to work, haha.

(Hay, Im really happy with this entry. Im guessing the reader is not because I was just like talking to myself, right? right. Haha, but never mind the sloppy writing. This is my therapy - havent been making concrete thoughts for more than a week.)

For the Love of My Hometown

2007-08-03T17:15:00.000-07:00

Huy! Tanda mu pa baga ang Akaw Invasion nung 2004 sa Mayrics? Akaw! magkakarun ulit! sa Sept 8, 2007, Purple Haze (Tomas Morato corner E Rod) - AKAW INVASION 2! Mas malaking venue, mas madaming banda! Suportahan natin ang mga bandang Baler! Hatid sa inyo ng batangbaler.net at Beredeman Production

( tara! :-p .Long live the music scene in Baler, :) and everywhere else, :) )

Because Chubchee (aka Teng) was tagged (2 wks ago, hehe)

2007-07-07T17:14:00.000-07:00

Instructions: Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things about themselves. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rule clearly. In the end you need to choose 6 people to be tagged & list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments & tell em to read your blog.

-----

owkey.. so six 'weird' things about me.

1. I rarely remember my dreams; usually only those that include deaths, massacres to be precise. My father told me that such criminal tendencies, which seem to manifest in my dreams - are probably caused by his having to use forceps on my head when I was born.

2. For a sem, I was so obsessed with maintaining my below 90-lb frame that I was only eating 6 pieces of hopia and an apple the entire day (and an extra banana cake from Manang’s when I had to go to the gym).

3. I gave myself a nickname, haha. Chubchee – short for Chubby Cheeks. (I didn’t know that was a weird thing. Ask Jayson why, haha, and he has a list of reasons.)

4. I don’t know how to swim. Hmm, most people find this surprising once they find out that I live near the beach. But hey, I don’t live under water, haha. I live on land.

5. Being a certified nail biter, I don’t need a nailcutter to cut my fingernails. (Don’t worry, I don’t bite my toenails, hehe)

6. My autograph notebook reveals that my favorite cartoon character was Cinderella.

To keep this going, I am tagging my friends:

Tita Teret

Misu

Chad

Popo

Sherald

Stefanie

On numbers and labels.

2007-06-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

This entry is a product of previous week’s exhausting task of accomplishing my pre-employment requirements.

Life after school, which according to some, is the ‘real world’.

At some point, however, my initiation to that so-called real world made me think otherwise.

The previous week had been marked with the exhausting tasks of accomplishing my pre-employment requirements – i.e. getting a medical clearance, an NBI clearance, and SSS number.

I have had that experience: of allowing other people –

… test samples of what are inside me (literally);
… count how many times I breathe and how often my heart beats;
… dirty my fingers with that purple ink so that they can have a record of prints that are distinctively mine;
… give me that one number that’ll identify me for the rest of my life;
… question my identity due to a birth certificate (which, according to her, had my name printed unclearly).

And although I have told myself (since the start of this jobhunt) that this is not the best time to ‘philosophize’ – I believe the experience calls for it.

Other than my complaints about the sticky face and the bad bad hair (because for the past two months, each day is a bad hair day, hehe) – I’ve had these whiny thoughts on being objectified. But so as not to add up to the heat in the heads and the bodies (literally) of other souls lining up to be killed – by being enslaved in this system of alphanumerics and fingerprints – I decided to shut up and confine those rants in my head - but here, I shall write.

There is more to my person than:

… the counts of blood, bacteria, air, water, (and blah blah) that I have been carrying;
… the K-R-I-S-T-I-N-A that I carefully had to write in those boxes;
… the picture on my NBI clearance (in which I ironically look like a hardcore criminal);
… the pattern of lines on my fingers;
… those pieces of paper that are more worth believing than the person seen face-to-face.

I was being welcomed into this real world – and all they were interested in knowing were those realities farthest from the real person that I am.

It does not feel good letting other people define you less than who you really are. Better put, … less than who you believe to be who you really are.

But believing that you truly know who you are is dangerous. Because the moment you say you are this person – you just gave your self a number, a print, a record – that’ll determine and prove your existence, and/or essence.

And this is where the importance of being objectified comes in. For one, to understand that there is always more in every person; and it is that more which we continually struggle to discover in various interactions with others and the self – whether it be in a two-second glance with a stranger, or a 2-minute transaction with a woman behind a counter, or a summer fling, or year-long friendships, or the life-long talking to oneself.

Labels, numbers, identification documents – they call for a Relationship Check. In our dealings, try to realize how much of us we have actually revealed – to our selves and to other people; how much of our sub-realities we have faced, and have allowed other people to face as well.

An Entry I Wrote The Other Night

2007-06-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

June 7 2007

Dear Happiness:

I am so sorry I didn’t go after you tonight.

I knew where I wanted to be. But I also knew that getting there was not easy – it was unfamiliar, shady, and uncertain. So I made myself believe that I was actually thinking whether to go or not. I decided to do the latter. Because I was scared – scared of two things.

One, that something bad might happen along the way, and two, that the risk in One is not worth it.

Rewind last week - I was not scared then. And the following morning, despite an extreme headache, I knew that I was happy. Then I tried to look back and realized that I was happy then because I chose and did what I could do to be exactly where I wanted to be the night before – no matter how uncertain and dangerous it had been on the way.

Because although I knew clearly the First, I never thought of the Second.

And in the end, what did I get from all of this? It is one thing to want, and another to do something about it. It is one thing to want / desire happiness; and another to do as much as you can to have that happiness.

To sit by the window while looking at the world outside; and to go out that door and walk -
To want to be a writer, and to write -
To aspire of becoming famous; and to do a breakthrough -
To long to hear someone’s voice; and to call -
To dream; and to wake up to make that dream happen.

It is one thing to want, and another to do something about it. And most of the time, between in these two are grand gestures, giant leaps that involve risks, failure.

There is more to wanting. To want something is not enough.

We want; and when circumstances conspire to give us that chance to do something about this wanting – we miss it – because we hesitate. We make ourselves believe that we tried but deep inside, we know that we could have tried harder.

People

2007-06-09T01:43:00.000-07:00

I am tired of rejection. I am tired of failure. I am tired of presenting myself as an option, only to always end up being the one eliminated.

I am tired, very tired.

But whenever I feel like breaking down - the Higher Being has amazing ways of saving me.

... through those who remember me any time of the day;
... through those who die (Higher Being bless their souls)
... through those who disclose their loneliness to me;
... through those who lose grip of their expectations on me;
... through those who capture moments, emotions in words;
... through those who acknowledge my existence;
... through those who push me to think happy thoughts and to see that life is beautiful;
... through those who believe that God has a plan for me;
... through those who wish me to have a nice day each day and who hope that I am ok;

The Higher Being saves me through people. And in my current world of not much happiness, I survive.

..And I owe it to you. You know who you are.

Most Recent Rant

2007-05-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

My eyeballs are sooo popping these days, staring at my notebook monitor for hours, as I have been busy organizing my player's music and video libraries as well as converting those Grey's Anatomy clips and FLV files.

And just when I am at the peak of enjoying my device (and all the free time that I have), what do I get? A busted Left Earphone. Grr..

Was that because I set my volume too loud (Grr. Thanks to that 'dorm' classical piano music that so pisses me off) or because the earphone dropped on a glass with little water (for less than 5 seconds, I promise).

Ahh. The second reason, more likely. So should I be blamed? No, it was an accident. (I AM talking to myself.)

Can I have it repaired or do I have to buy a new one? Grr. Either way, I am gonna spend. I dont have money.

Im so broke. Just like my earphones.

Baguio Trip. Memory Triggers

2007-05-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

Victory Liner. Just realized my mother is scared of those road giants, panicking whenever one drives near us. Most likely, it is rooted in this incident roughly a year ago when the side of our car got slightly hit by a bus.

“Comfort Room” signage. The bathroom in Room 209 of that White (Ladies’*) Hall in Teachers’ Camp has a huge signage that says “COMFORT ROOM”. Duh. Why would we assume that it is a dining room?

* – hehe. My brother and I were so against staying in that built-in-1908 place because we believe it is haunted.

Comfort Room ‘Discomforts’. My brother and I just both the bathroom sink; the water does not get drained easily. I leave to your creative imagination the picture whenever we brush our teeth.

My mother, on the other hand, is disgusted by the agiw on the corners. (Haha, forgive me. I don’t know how to translate that in English.)

And my father hates dark bathroom floor tiles and ‘non-heated’ water. **

(** Hmm. Understandable. Imagine, the water there is cold at noontime. Make that freezing cold in the morning; and the heater in our room was broken.)

And I have a ‘thing’ with bathroom floors. Since I learned from our Biology class in high school that tapeworms*** ‘reside’ in bathroom floors

*** If I remember Maa’m Picart correctly, tapeworms can penetrate the skin in our feet without us noticing it. (I’m too lazy to Google right now so might as well stick to what I believe she taught us, hehe)

Jollibee. Yey. Ang aking kakampi. Bow. I realized recently that it is in Jollibee’s menu list where I find my comfort food. Haha. Can be their Yum with TLC, or their Mushroom and (melted) Cheese, or any of their Ice Craze desserts.

Hmm. How does this relate to our Baguio trip? Ha! We ate at Jollibee twice. Fastfood galore, actually, instead of eating Baguio food (Hmm. Makes me wonder what their specialty is aside from those yummy Choco flakes.)

Accident Prone. This zone belongs to Mother Goose. She just kept on tripping anywhere we go. And she did wet her white pants by sitting on a wet chair (duh.) in Mcdo.

Sibling Greeting. Ayks and I devised this ‘sibling greeting’ inspired by the poses of the Virginia Tech main character. (Hehe. I forgot the name of this Korean guy. I am so in-the-know. sarcasm.)

10. Baguio’s lucky number. 10 pesos for a wooden key chain on which you can have your name written for free; 10 pesos for every picture taken with a horse or with an Igorot; 10 pesos for every pic shot of you wearing an Igorot outfit; 10 pesos for every use of binoculars for 5 (?) minutes in Mines’ View. (ironically, houses have been built in that area you cannot see the mining area anymore.)

Escape from Thinking? Nah. I looked forward to that weekend as my escape from thinking – about career, about the expectations I have on people and the expectations they have on me. But no. That did not happen.

Turned out that Yasmin, my friend from high school, just found out about my ‘graduation stuff’ (grr. I don’t even want to mention it). Yeye, another friend verified it with me. and voila. Added pressure to get a job asap. (and in the words of Yeye, a job where I can demand).

I asked Mama to buy me this Adobo magazine; and saw in one of the pictures there the guy from BBDO who interviewed me the previous Wednesday. Hmm.. seeing the beat of the industry through the pictures there merely reinforced my desire to be part of that industry. But maybe, that could happen in many years’ time.

(my writing sucks. haha, i noticed. i shall edit this next time - with pics even)

goodbye

2007-04-12T17:24:00.000-07:00

Bye bye to Dong Heui,. my housemate for a year and 3 months.

He went back to Korea yesterday. He was actually originally set to go on the tenth but he was late for boarding so it was rescheduled.

I will truly miss this friend who:

… taught me that “kk” is actually a laugh;
… humiliated himself in front of us by dancing the so-called comic dance;
... sang to me songs whose lyrics I could not understand;
... made me watch Korean movies with no subtitles (of course, he took the burden of translating);
… taught me a little how to use Photoshop;
… walked under the rain with me;
… treated me a Hazelnut latte, contributing to “the success of moi acquisition” (what-a-phrase!) of that bulky planner;
… taught me how to pour beer without creating that bitter foam;
… made me that sandwich with egg, ketchup and mustard;
… desensitized me to that pain that comes when you text someone and you get no reply;
... cried with me (and showing me his confused side);
... made me smile, laugh, (and cry) a lot;
… made me experience such extreme emotions of embarrassment and nervousness (hehe, my roommate Ape knows this story!);
.. made me understand more the value of friendship; and what words and actions must be avoided to keep that relationship.

..(at eto huling hirit).. made me hide inside his cabinet for 15 minutes.

I have developed this habit of looking at the closed door of his room every time I go up the stairs in our dorm, taking a look whether the lights are on, wondering to myself if he is inside. I don’t know when I will again have that feeling – that feeling that hurt, but that which I never complained about or get tired of.

I will miss my lonely 14s of every month, as well as the Saturdays of waiting for nothing.

I don’t know if we will meet again. As I’ve said months ago, people come and go but they never leave you the same. Ryan touched my life in ways that he probably may never know and understand. He left with me threads of moments, out of which I tried to create a beautiful story. For a while, I thought I failed. But now, I realized that I did not.

It was beautiful. It still is – .

at last, an entry - a long one..

2007-04-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

Earlier this morning, I was hesitant to write.

Maybe, it was because I remembered what our dean said during our dinner around two weeks ago, (just a few days before our March 30 graduation); and it went like this - "you know what, be careful about what you write in your blogs. Your future employees might read them if they want to do a background check on you.” (I even heard that some do check Friendster accounts.)

Or maybe, it was because I am again doubting my ability to contain all these thoughts (which recently was coming to me in voices) in words that are palatable to my readers (and that includes me, because for sure, I would want to read this sometime in the future).

For a moment, I disliked myself for the topics that I write about - love, pain, rants. An entry is either too negative, too melodramatic, too random, or too personal (too much of me, that is). I write in this blog as if no one is going to or CAN read it (whether they intended or not).

Some people might say that it could have been better if I just write movie/music/gig reviews or talk about politics, current events, the economy and other issues that make sense and are relevant to other people. BUT for now, and maybe in the next entries, I think that I would still choose to write about ‘issues’ that matter to me. Hehe. I feel that I am quite in a ‘phase’ right now that maybe, my thoughts and concerns (no matter how personal, pessimistic or melodramatic they may be) are still worth writing about.

Welcome to the Real World.

Whew. Job hunting is simply amazing.. amazingly challenging. I just realized how seeking for full-time employment is much much more difficult than applying for an internship program, hehe.

Thinking about how I became part of Globe’s internship program last summer, I could not help but be thankful to everything that made such possible (haha, yeah right, I just said Globe’s ‘tagline’). I underwent quite a screening process as well (i.e., resume, interview, case simulation exercise, business conference) but now, I just couldn’t believe how I got in (of course, it is Globe, with all the allowance, the training..). Just my luck, I guess.

Now, I have submitted more than resumes to companies, such as ad agencies, FMCG companies, broadcast networks, retailers. But as of now, I only got two callbacks – one from the retailer group, and one from ABS-CBN. As I wrote in the previous entry, interview with the first one was horrible but indeed quite a learning experience. As with ABS, I took the exam for the position of a PR writer. And grr.. I screwed up again. I believe that to a certain extent, it was really my mistake. Fine, I didn’t have any PR elective but after I was informed that they were assigning me as PR writer, I should have studied a few things about it. Hmm.. actually, I did my little research.

One, I watched some of the ABS’ soap on the night before my scheduled interview so as to familiarize myself with their current programs.

Two, I checked out their website; and googled “Public Relations” and “sample press release” because I was expecting them to make me write such.

And they did. I thought that I would only take the “Think Creatively with Words” test as well as the personality test. But no, the HR girl handed me another test specific for the position I am applying for. They did ask me to write a press release (in two languages), a column feed, and a letter to the editor. I am certain that for some people, such task is not so difficult, especially for those skilled in PR, and journ writing. Maybe the task is really not that difficult. As my friend constructively told me – maybe there’s something wrong with your attitude toward difficult things/situations.

Hay..

Right now, I am trying to figure out what I am truly passionate about. If there is a good that I squeezed out of those bad experiences, it is the realization of the importance of putting not only your mind and concentration into the ‘work’ that has to be done, but your heart as well. (As mushy as that sounds, I believe you will also come to a point when you’ll understand truly what I just said. :p)

For the past years, I have been doing things half-heartedly. Studying for long tests, accomplishing papers without cramming, - all of these helped me get those grades. Yes, there were instances when I enjoyed philosophizing, writing reflection papers, or pinpointing essences for certain brands, BUT if I could turn back time, I wish I had passion for learning per se – stripped off of all the letter grades, as well as the feeling of being forced to do all those must’s.

Discipline, of course, is another story. It doesn’t always go with passion. The former almost speaks of the mind, while - passion of the heart, or of the irrational, so to speak. But it does not mean that the two cannot go together. I believe, however, that if I have a cup of discipline, I would need a little over one cup of passion to come up with a good mix.

What makes me look at passion as something that is a little more important than discipline is the belief that the former makes one become less conscious that he is disciplining himself. Somehow, it gives a feeling of having less restraints, and thus, the illusion of greater freedom. (God, let’s not enter into a philo-theological discussion of what freedom is, hehe)

(yikes, I talk a lot, I am writing guided by the stream of my consciousness, obviously.) The question remains; so what is Teng passionate about? Let the quest / discernment begin.

in reply to NORMAL tagboard posts

2007-03-10T10:40:00.000-08:00

gian: sana sumulat ka na ng bagong entries...
hoy gian! :p can this count as a new entry? hehe.. hmm. i am working on it. i recently have a lot of thoughts actually. but that doesnt mean that those are worth-writing-about ones. plus, they are really A LOT. muddled up. thanks for visiting my blog though, i appreciate it. :)

tara: teng, peram daddy long legs!
taratitat. hehe. :p it's my roommate's so im not very sure if i can lend it to you. i shall ask.

An 'Amazingly Horrible' First Job Interview

2007-03-09T18:50:00.000-08:00

whew. i screwed up big time on my interview with Republic Retailers, a Filipino company handling the local clothing brand Tyler.
The tragedy began with my very first sentence - blasphemous in the corporate setting - the word "yeah".Worse, I kept repeating the word out of habit. (hmm. it must have been due to the "ya conversations" i often have with my korean tutees. "Ya" is like their "hey" ^-^)

The interviewer did not even ask my name after that. He continued asking what position I applied for (thank God i remembered it), why, and what made me think that I am fit for that position. Having mentioned "strategy" and "execution" - (the exact words I put in the resume I submitted them) - he asked me to explain them and give an example of a strategy. What followed is a bunch of grammatically incorrect and fragmented sentences, and babbling etc. Boo. I don't even remember now what I said then. The only thing I know is that I humiliated myself BIG TIME, tsk tsk.

The rest of the time, I remember wanting to sink in my seat. He ended with an on -the-spot rejection. He told me they are looking for someone who has more experience and who can dream a little bit more. He even gave me an advice that I should expose myself to more interviews so I would know how to conduct myself properly.
Whew. Pretty harsh. but helpful. As I sincerely replied to him, "I understand." Tsk. My self-esteem really went down but I think it's a sign that I really should work on my confidence and communication/expression skills. (plus i ought to review my projects before so I can talk about them during interviews.) :p

Construction from destruction. (hehe :p)

i want to cry

2007-02-06T11:31:00.000-08:00

he is going.. and maybe never coming back.

last night, he was undecided. and when he asked me what i want, i said that he just goes wherever he thinks he would be happy. though i wanted to tell him to stay, i just couldnt say the words.. maybe because i dont want to keep someone i cannot protect, or make happy.

then i found out today that he has already decided. he is leaving and staying there for years. and just like what he told me last night, "maybe, when i come back here in the philippines, i will be married and with kids. you will be married and with kids already."

i dont know whether he heard me or not when i said, "you always make people wait. please dont tell me to wait for you."

i hope he didnt hear it. maybe, i was just telling that to myself. dont wait, teng.

im just grateful

2007-01-29T09:39:00.000-08:00

yes we do :) i'm praying for you, sweetness (not for a guy or whatever, but for happiness in general) :) -isay

"konti na lang" - yeah right.

2007-01-17T10:10:00.000-08:00

the shirt i was wearing yesterday is cursed!

ha! it read: "konti na lang, graduation na. march 30 & 31, 2007".

then yesterday, i found out:

- i had to make major changes for my Conscience paper (just when i thought i only had to print it out);
- i have a Pol Sci long test tomorrow
- i have to write a reaction paper for media law next tues
- we have three more Theo papers (and boy, these are heavy papers); (one is due next thurs, the other the thurs after that, and the third one due the next thurs after next week's thurs shet, labo)
- i have an outline (internal submission) for our media law final paper (due tom via email)

Hay.. I feel drowned.

Ooopss. I just made my blog into another post-it.

konti na lang.
konti na lang ang panahon ko para gawin yang mga iyan kaya dapat imbes na mag-blog, magtrabaho na, di ba? hehe.

why we write

2007-01-14T11:55:00.000-08:00

Inspired by the movies I watched yesterday, The Hours and Daddy Long Legs (a Korean film), I 'realized' that ..
we write because we are scared..
not only of being forgotten, but of forgetting.

One might say it is a simple fact of life. What example could be more apt than our mundane acts of sticking those neon-colored post-its at the back of our notebook's front page or writing our to-do's on the pages of that bulky planner that came with liters of caffeine running in our veins.

But I would like to talk about those 'other things' (for lack of a better term) that we are scared of forgetting; by saying 'other', I did not mean to imply that these are rare. Rather, I refer to these as 'other' because these are not planned, unthought-of. And while the examples mentioned earlier deal with what we give time to (thus implying a certain form of control), these 'other things' refer to what time gives us and gets back just as fast.

I am talking about moments - moments that become memories when remembered, when not forgotten.

In Daddy Long Legs, it is by writing (specifically, email messages to be sent a year after) that the main male character who is suffering from a disease that erases his memory, tries to keep what he calls "memories of love".

In The Hours, it is by writing that the brilliant poet played by (Ed Harris) wants to capture every moment - all the feelings in a single moment, right then and there, but he fails.

And it is not surprising. Because wanting to grasp fully what is 'uncapturable' in its very nature is like wanting to hold water in our hands without expecting some of it to spill.

Every person is a moment. Every happiness is a moment. Every pain is a moment. Neither a beginning nor an end.

Echoing what the modern Mrs Dalloway said in The Hours - "It was the moment. Right then.";

and what Virginia Woolf told her husband, "to look life in the face, always to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last, to know it, to love it, for what it is and then to put it away."

I am not against the fear of forgetting. I am not against writing (because if that's the case, then I am hating what I am doing now). This is just a caution for those who expect too much of the eternal in every person, in every happiness, in every pain; for those who fear extinction that when it comes to them, they crumble.

Life and death happens in a single moment; and the moment you write about the moment - it both lives and dies.

fireworks galore.

2007-01-07T10:33:00.000-08:00

yay! yeye and i went to mall of asia to watch the pyrolympics (hmm.. im not sure if that is how it's called) - hmm.. fireworks display. :)

(haha. what an exciting way to start an entry, bleh.)

anyway, i realized certain things:

1. I love being in a crowded place. It reminds me of something i learned from my first philo class - how when with other bodies, you feel like you lose 'you'. ok, that was not how my prof said it, but that is the way i understand it now. No, let me clarify, it is just like you are one of them. You are just one body, and you look at them or theirs in the same way. I loved the way it made me numb - because I did not have to care whether they care or not; they are just there, and their presence made me feel.. ok. (?)

2. Though Yeye and I differ in our so-called 'dispositions' in life - we have one thing in common: we are both whiners. Haha, no, because for 50 minutes, we had to just stand there while waiting for the second display!

3. I love fireworks. Simply because it reminds me of someone, of the sky, and the darkness of the night. (wink. wink)

an (incomplete) year-ender

2007-01-05T09:49:00.000-08:00

(i was too confident of my memory and writing capability that i thought i would be able to remember and capture beautifully some highlights - either thoughts or events - for each month last year. Hmm.. but I guess I overestimated myself. Haha, so please bear with this incomplete entry.)

January.

A relationship I thought would last forever ended. On that night, I had to accept the fact that no matter how hard we try to keep our commitments, we all come to a point when we have to decide to break them to free ourselves from pain.

Now: It never ended, or at least, that is how I want things to be. I still keep the promise I made to him; but given the present circumstances, it has to find its proper expression.

February.

The 14th of every month started to be a date to remember. It was a night of being hurt, and hurting someone. It was a night of waiting. Such waiting continued; and it was getting more and more painful as each month passed. The happy thought started to wane. The faith in a true love that can change the language of a person faded.

But now I realize that it is unfair to label someone as a “happy thought” because that renders him useless once he fails to meet your expectations;

and that true love is not only about changing a person to that person you want him to be. It involves accepting the person for who s/he was, is and will be. It is not about the other person becoming for you or you becoming for the other; it is becoming together.

March.

From where I fell, it was as if someone was unknowingly catching me – making me feel worthy of admiration, and care. Slowly, I am learning to reason out for someone else’s actions – just the way I want to story to progress – toward a happy ending.

But it turned out to be a story with too much of my point of view that it misses those of the other characters. Too much of itself. Selfish.

April.

People drift. They are like water; they come and go.

May - August: (hmm.. a lot of things actually happened during these months. unfortunately, too much emotions, too many events, that I was not able to write them down.)

September.
I realized how selfish I have been for the past months worrying about myself – my schoolwork, my relationships.

November.
What used to be a straight line is now just a dot. We all were trying to live separate lives. We all were moving on. I was trying. I did not know about them. But all I knew then was how much I wanted to know where I stand in these persons' live; and not only know, but learn to be happy where they choose to put me.

During those times when life seems to offer us not too many choices, it only gives us the chance to be brave – to choose those which we never thought we could.

December.

(there.)

missing people

2007-01-04T20:59:00.000-08:00

let me be very specific.

i miss my family, and the way i am not in control of my time when with them;

i miss yeye, and our conversations that never fail to assure us that despite distance and irregular communication, we remain the best of friends ( i unfortunately was not able to meet her tonight because i had class until seven);

i miss vee-jay, and his empty words;

i miss andeng, and her baby chloe (if only i was able to spend more time with her when i was in Baler);

i miss the old teng, who does not lie to herself.

where i stand

2007-01-02T20:45:00.000-08:00

he said something that went like this:

"always be careful. i dont know who you drink with. when you drink with me, i will take care of you because you are my friend. But some other guys,.. they are like animals."

ha?!

others would most probably not understand what my friend meant when he said this to me. But I understood it.. - so well, that on that night, I knew where I stand in his life. I knew where he wants me. I am his friend, and should he decide to keep me, I should remain as that.

And I have learned to accept that.. surprisingly. Unlike before when I was waiting everyday for him to like me more than as a friend.

Hay.. I was happy on the first night of 2007. And as I have told him, I want to thank him for being with me, and for taking care of me when I was a little drunk.

He was holding my wrist (not my hand, because that is reserved of course, I believe, to the more important girl in his life, :p) the whole time we were walking. Maybe, he was thinking that I might trip. As soon as we reached our place, it rained. We sat down for a few minutes, and talked. He even gave me his polo because he thought I was feeling cold.

If these things happened before, I would make up reasons for him. That would be unfair to both of us - to him, because I am misreading him; and to me, because I am making myself more likely to get hurt.

So on that night, I stopped inventing reasons. Maybe, I should even stop asking why.

soo easy

2006-12-30T18:21:00.000-08:00

i am amazed how easily my tears fall..

maybe i should try to audition for a role in a drama series, (hehe)

confession of a loser

2006-12-17T14:23:00.000-08:00

haaayy. .what else could be sadder than a day in your life with no one remembering to text you?

I tell you.. there are a lot other things. Hehe, Im such a weirdo. Just the other day, that was what happened to me. It felt really... sad. But then again, I feel nowadays that I HAVE NO RIGHT to let all these sad thoughts rule over me.. or else I would just break down, go insane, and I'll just see you on the streets. (haha, palaboy).

Oh well. Life. As what I have been reading for my Theo class - SUFFERING IS INEVITABLE, but there is a difference between suffering with Jesus and suffering apart from him. Hay.. no matter how much I try to memorize all these things about God; about faith; about commitment; about true love - the more they get harder for me to understand, because I dont see much how these things work in my life these days.

Oh well (again.) The deepest reality is that of the invisible.

2006-11-27T10:21:00.000-08:00

someone is important to me just because.

and now i must learn the difficult task of unlearning that.

(God, I have a lot to say but I guess when too much is on your head, you just can't let it all out)

i hate. i hate.

2006-10-23T16:56:00.000-07:00

All of a sudden, I feel like torturing people. I feel like saying words that hurt. Painful truths, though.

..yes, even if means torturing myself as well.

what the?!!!

2006-10-22T18:07:00.000-07:00

i wonder what the hell happened to my tagboard!!! that is sooo annoying. grr..

(teng is too lazy to write, obviously.hehe)

just so you know how stupid i am

2006-10-18T14:36:00.000-07:00

where's my sense of history?!!

i didn't know Rolex 12; and that Danding Cojuangco is the only civilian who is part of that group;

I didnt (and still dont) know whether it was Imelda who built the UP Film Center; (i know she built a film center that is haunted now; and i know that that is not in UP.. so i answered False and since we were supposed to give our 'believed' right answer: I just said Film Center of the Phil - now I know there's no such thing. shet. i thought a counterpart of CCP!!);

I didnt know that Salamat Hashim is the same as Hashim Salamat; and that he studied in Cairo and not in Pakistan;

I didnt know what student organization Edgar Jopson is head of;

I didnt know the three newspapers allowed during the martial law era;

and a lot lot more..

tang-ina, sobrang bobo ko. ano ba yan.. grr

i did know one thing:

I did fail my final exam; and even if Sir says that he is gonna curve - there's no point in that (in our second long test where i got a 15 over 30, someone got a perfect score, so... haha, ok, curve it, so what?!)

what happened to the old teng?! :(

2006-10-18T13:07:00.000-07:00

hay..

fact1:i have a history final exam in less than hour.
fact2: i read but didnt understand (i started reading just yesterday; how can i absorb all those names; and political and social parties and proclamation during the martial law period)
fact3: i should be reading now (because as ive shared in my prev post - i failed my long test for this subj) i cant fail this. boo.

Hay.. This exhausting sem indeed changed me. I learned to procrastinate. I learned to say "bahala na".

last stretch na RAW ito pero parang di ko pa kinakaya :(

i shall drown in beer when this is all over.

Murder

2006-10-17T09:22:00.000-07:00

the ff are dead:
Strat Plan pitch
Philo oral exams
Theo oral exams

the ff are to die:
very soon: Post defense thesis draft
soon: History finals
not-so-soon:
Direct Mail, Print Ad and Any Medium of Choice Selling my self AND an interview

wah.. i still have stuff to do. but i looooveee seeing those sheets of paper 'disappear' from my To-do's Board.

"you"

2006-10-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

If love is honestly accepting the unfathomable "you" in every person, then i guess i love him.

Maybe what I was telling him before still rings true today - "I love you and I always will". But this time, I have to keep those words to myself. It could hear it more loudly yet I choose to remain silent.

He wants us to be together but it is either we meet halfway or that i go to him. He does not understand me; and he always makes me feel he doesn't intend to do so. Instead of making me feel ok when I am sad, he makes me feel that it is a condition I have learned to love. When I complain to him how tired I am, he makes me feel worse by making me feel that it is because that is how i choose to live. When i tell him I cant see him, he does not know how it pains me (he even thinks I am happy with that).

Despite all these.. I think he still is. Siya pa rin ang siya.

so this is it..

2006-10-09T17:00:00.000-07:00

so this is the after-defense feeling. so-so

yeah right, because how can i enjoy passing such a major event in my college life when i still have:

Strat Plan pitch this Thursday;

Direct Mail, Print Ad and Any Medium of Choice Selling my self AND an interview with creative guys from my dream company McCann this saturday(kumusta naman pag pumalpak ako dito di ba?: my career ends before it really starts;

a Philo Oral Exams this Sunday (comprehensive, take note);

a Theo oral exams and the Revised After-Defense Thesis Draft next Tuesday;

History finals next Wednesday (which i have to work soooo hard for because of that 15/30 score i got in our second and last long test, :(

OWWWW--key. what kind of life do i have? what kind of life does the ateneo want its students to have?god, as i walking home a while ago, i saw a fellow atenean crying - not an unusual sight at these times.

DEFENSE IS OVER!!!!! shhheesshhh, i have to absorb this, or else i am going to break down with all these to-do's in less than a week's tim.
boo (grrr. i hate my expression these days. "boo")

why do You speak to me this way?

2006-10-05T18:14:00.000-07:00

God has an unusual way of speaking to me.

Just when I want an end to all of this...

Vee-jay's grandfather died. I havent met him but his death made me cry when i found out.

i hope vee-jay's ok.

2006-10-05T11:36:00.000-07:00

God, why do i feel that my life is getting worse and worse each day?

i cant play this anymore

there's the mean girl in me

2006-10-02T18:59:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me who is he to me.

And here was what I said: I need you. Sa totoo lang, you are the person I need most right now and every time I am hurt. But you fail me, you always fail me
Boo. I think that was quite a hurtful and harsh piece. But I had been honest. And if from the very beginning, he believes that our relationship is all about being true to each other, then I guess I’m keeping his faith in what we share.

Hay.. It is this weird mood again, I guess.

I just came from our immersion presentation for Theology class; and I couldnt say whether this weird mood came from the fact that the points we raised were questioned by our teacher and we werent able to defend it too well. Hmm.. but I agree with him – that we needed to be more careful with the statements that we make.

Anyway, it all started when he asked me where I am because he had nothing to do. But that was before our presentation so I said that I was in school and we were to present. I got another message from him right after the presentation so when he asked again where I was that time, I replied that we were done reporting. Then he just said that we just go out as a sort of blow-out shit (whatever). That was it. But it really pissed me off.

Because he has always been like that. If he is f*king bored and he wants to be with someone who happens to be me, then why can’t he just go here? Why does he always make me want to go to him? Or that ok, we meet up halfway? Then thinking about it now, he was not texting me for the past two days because he didnt someone to be with him, right?

Yeah right, I know I sound pathetic because I am ‘demanding’ or whatever.

I told him while we were texting a while ago that I know who I am to him. Maybe I don’t really know. because in my mind, im still thinking of such f*cking demands.

(God, Im really annoyed. I couldn’t help but type the F word.)

***
One question that my Philo prof raised this morning was this: Mas madali ba ang mahalin o ang magmahal?

At first glance, it would have been easy for most people to say that it is easy to be loved. But I agree with the point my prof made: it is not that easy when you just do not understand the way that person loves you.

A parent may love his daughter by giving her curfews; while the daughter may see such love as overly protective and restricting. It happens as well that the way a person loves someone is by unloving (I think this is the theme of the film she is making us watch this Thursday).
I have been thinking what I would choose (if ever there is such a thing as choosing between the two so that I can be happy). But I think that for now, I choose not to choose. A corny answer, it is like being a voter and voting Abstain. It’s like ‘having an opinion’ – which is to be neutral.

And why would I want that choice? Because I want to be in the safe zone. Not in the sense that I am protecting my self from the pains that I could get (am getting) from loving and being loved. But I choose to protect myself from the hatred that most probably will come out (is coming out) once I understand – how I love and how others love me (or putting it in its inverse: how I cant love and how others can’t love me)

Or maybe because what I really want is to love and be loved back in a way that I understand. Such a dream. Very romantic.

In the situations I am in right now, that is hope in its most impure sense:
umaasa ako na… mamahalin mo rin ako. What makes it more impure is: umaasa ako na .. mamahalin mo rin ako.. sa ganitong paraan.
Grrr.. I sound really bad, right?

a walk to remember

2006-10-01T16:32:00.000-07:00

for a change, i'd like to write about something beautiful :)

last friday night, i was happy. to be precise, someone made me happy.

yep. nothing much has changed with me. im still the dependent freak (wooppss.. my i-hate-myself tendencies are again kicking in. hep. stop, i told you this is going to be a beautiful one. hehe)

back to my story - it was one of those rare moments for a person like me whose mind is always preoccupied with must-do's. It was a walk i didnt plan; a walk i didnt think about. it never occured to me as well that I'd be walking with him.

But we walked together. JUST. It wasnt a romantic scene or whatever. It was a foggy night - there were no stars; the moon was hiding somewhere. There was no witness - but us. And most probably, between the two of us, i am the only one who'll remember that.

But that's ok. He did his part. He made me happy. Whatever the context is, whatever his intentions were (if ever he had his reasons), he made me happy.

This time, Im ordering myself to stop analyzing. He made me happy. JUST. He may be hurting me now. He may hurt me more in the next days until the day that we no longer see each other.

But i'll never forget. I'll keep coming back to that time we walked together. just.

a typical day in the life of me

2006-09-18T07:31:00.000-07:00

i feel weird now. i feel lightheaded. i can't see clearly. my nose feels cold.

hhmm.. maybe it's because of that tiring field trip for history class yesterday; or that shitty compilation of people's theological reflections (god, i tell you my brain was fried trying to put a sensible flow to everything); or maybe it's that 4 am binge jap noodle breakfast i had while doing that theo proj or the panucha or whatever food and drinks i put in my system.

or maybe i just hate the fact that my only class today is a free cut; and yet i cant go home because i am waiting for the 10 accomplished survey forms (sana!) fr my history classmate which he would give me by 1130./ yeah right, there's another thing i would have to wait for today - that spss software which we need for our thesis. (shet.. typing the word reminds me of pressure and stress)

but do i really want to go home? for the past few days, i hate going home. because there is a kind of waiting that i feel could no longer take. it is amazing that in the midst of all the stuff i had to do for school and my other petty worries, he still occupies my mind. he keeps on HAUNTING me. argh. i hate it.

when a day passes and i havent seen him, i wonder and i worry. or maybe it is just the thought that he is with somebody else during that time. but when i see him, i hate it when he doesnt even say hi but i also hate it when he does. i hate it more when he is nice to me -when he tells me i look sad or that i look bored so he called me so that we could watch something. yeah right, he called me so that we could watch then i realized he was leaving. (i didnt even have the courage to ask where but then i know i'd regret my asking afterwards.)

i cant believe i am saying these things. i cant believe i can be this pathetic.
yeye is right. i am making him affect me this much. so much. so much that i want to run away.

i am deeply sorry

2006-09-07T09:49:00.000-07:00

i think i hurt vee-jay yesterday.

i wish i could make him feel how sorry i am.

My Celebrity Look-Alikes

2006-09-06T02:13:00.000-07:00

Most of the people here are Koreans and Japanese... Must this mean something? -jaze

first things first

2006-08-31T03:41:00.000-07:00

(haha.. ironic. this isnt one of the first things that i should be doing right now. but i just felt i needed a break from those thesis statements for philo orals, hehe) THINK LIGHT, teng.. sometimes.

haha, ate misu kase, :P

the things that first came to mind
1. [ RED ]: heart
2. [ BLUE ]: ateneo
3. [ YELLOW ]: favorite
4. [ GREEN ]: grass
5. [ PINK ]: girl
6. [ WHITE ]: peace
7. [ BROWN ]: soil
8. [ BLACK ]: thin (it makes you look thin, right?)
9. [ PURPLE ]: ube
10. [ CRAZY ]: naked
11. [ DICTIONARY ]: pocket
12. [ CALENDAR ]: deadlines!
13. [ BED ]: mess
14. [ TV ]: pinoy big brother (haha, is this thesis getting into my subconscious)
15. [ CAT ]: the alleged 'kill-all-cats- in-the-ateneo' policy
16. [ HANDPHONE ]: big
17. [ LOVE ]: painful
18. [ EYES ]: chinita
19. [ WATER ]: h20 (yuck, how nerd can i get?)
20. [ EXAM ]: stupid
21. [ FISH ]: tuna
22. [ TOMATO ]: burger (yuumm.. now im craving)
23. [ SHAMPOO ]: lux
24. [ BURGER KING): vee-jay (and his promo stubs)
25. [ McDONALDS ]: cheese burger (yumm.. again)
26. [ KFC ]: dirty (haha, where did this come from)
27. [ TEA ]: the UNIF green tea ad (cute -*-)
28. [ SOUP ]: nido
29. [ CAR ]: rav4
30. [ FRUIT ]: Apple
31. [ POWER PUFF GIRLS ]: Bubbles
32. [ NESCAFE ]: coffee (hay.. such lame answers
33. [ AVRIL LAVIGNE ]: wah.. i just mentioned her, right.. --> fake.
35. [ SUPERSTAR ]: nora aunor
36. [ BURN ]: tina arena
37. [ FLOWER ]: yellow roses
38. [ TATTOO ]: m & m's ( i had a classmate in physics before with this cute m& m's tattoo :p)
39. [ HOLIDAY ]: no class
40. [ BYE ]: pain
41. [ DREAM GAL ]: my exact opposite
42. [ DREAM GUY ]: nothing
43. [ SURVEY ]: our PBB survey! (haha... i wish i could shoo away those thesis thoughts! even just for now)
44. [ NAIL POLISH ]: my black toenail polish now (to hide my dead and totally damaged nails, hehe)
45. [ FRIENDSTER ]: tal and her first successful stalking job
46. [NUT ]: hazelnut (now i want coffee)
47. [ BALLPEN ]: that korean brand i got before that killed my fingers
48. [ FISHBALL ]: sweet and spicy sauce
49. [ DIVISORIA ]: cheap thrills
50. [ MANOK ]: khia (at ang kanyang pakikipagsabayan dati sa pagtilaok ng manok, hehe)
51. [ CHOCOLATE ]: Time out bites
52. [ YM ]: bano
53. [ STARBUCKS ]: trigger (grr..just when im trying to let go of my addiction.) "hot tall hazelnut non-fat latte"
54. [ POWDER ]: godiva nude
55. [ TIME ]: 12:00 (so many bday surprises happen at this time)
56. [ MOUSE ]: cute eyes
57. [ HEAVEN ]: where i want to be
58. [ HELL ]: fire, my element
59. [ JUICE ]: mango
60. [ PERFUME]: benetton
61. [SOAP]: cetaphil
62. [LOTION]: ultima
63. [CAMPING]: full house (aaayyy..)
64. [COMPUTER]: this NICE laptop (talk about sarcasm) peace, neo.
65. [CHAIR]: my chair during the GLobe stint (it was 'screamingly not mine')
66. [CLUB]: cosa
67. [LECHONG BABOY]: apple (hehe, yung nasa bibig niya)
68. [BAG]: laptop bag (because ive been wanting to get a new one, hehe)
69. [SHOES]: slippers!!!!
70. [T-SHIRTS]: my collared green one
72. [PJs]: haha, ryan's gay pajamas (with hearts and stars) - magagalit yun
73. [CLOSET]: a mess right now
74. [COLLEGE ]: ateneo
75. [ESSAYS]: my blockmate enrico subido (palanca awardee. .bow)
76. [BOOKS]: paulo coelho books (e.g. veronika..)
77. [RING ]: my happiness ring(which i bought for myself last feb 14 but now it's lost)
78. [CDs]: my avril lavigne cd (i wonder where it is now)
79. [WEBSITE]: yahoomail! (haha.. halatang yun lagi pinupuntahan
80. [REFRIGERATOR]: our ref in the dorm
81. [CALCULATOR]: my calculator (labeled with my name in Glow in the Dark paint)
82. [DARNA]: angel locsin
83. [SINGER]:
84. [BROADWAY]: performance
85. [POOL]: swim suit
86. [BUS]: genesis
87. [DUNKIN DONUTS]: too sweet
88. [BASKIN N' ROBINS]: ice cream
89. [TO GO]: take out (?) how come i'm giving synonyms?!
90. [MALL]: gateway
91. [NEW YORK]: busy
92. [BELT]: stripes
93. [NECKLACE]: the fu/happiness necklace pendant that vee-jay returned to me when we broke up) hehe.. how tragic.
94. [GEL]: citre shine
95. [BEVERAGE]: red horse
96. [NOODLES]: korean noodles
97. [CHIPS]: pringles
98. [WINTER]: snow and him
99. [SUMMER]: beach
100. [YOURSELF]: rant

Pinoy Big Brother

2006-08-30T11:21:00.000-07:00

i need your help, :)

our thesis is on PBB, and we need PBB viewers of any edition to answer our survey. :p so if you watched PBB or you know any friend/s who did watch it, pls pls text me or email me at

kcrocks@atenista.net.

yey.. thanks.. :P

(haha, the post sounds weird, right?)

yikes, just a call for help. hehe

semi-new me.

2006-08-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

i am proud of myself that people cannot just hurt me as much as they could before.

:)

i still do think of him a lot. i still do wait. i still do wonder. and i still do wish that it is me and not anyone else he is with, but he just could not make me cry anymore. :)

hayy.. the beauty of drifting away. knowing that you just cannot do anything about it makes you just ride with where the current leads you.

"fighting!"

that is soooo ironic.

am i still fighting?

maybe not.

Rain

2006-08-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

it is going to rain tomorrow.

someone told me before that rain makes him feel sad.

it was raining on that night. the thought of spending time with this person, those words he told me, made me happy..but the thought of the bigger context behind those things made me sad.

(oh well, those are moments.)

if it rains tomorrow, that would most probably not make him sad because tomorrow would be day of celebration for him and for someone else. maybe that will make me sad.